By Kristen Berthiaume:
I have a love/hate relationship with this time of year. While I’m looking forward to not checking the Keep-at- Home folder every night (or, let’s be honest, in carpool drop-off line some days…), I’m a working mom so my kids and I don’t exactly get a summer “break.” More accurate: we have pretty much the same routine as during the year but it’s insanely hot. I’m fortunate that my work schedule has some flexibility. There are afternoons I’ll pick the kids up early from camp to head to the pool but this little luxury isn’t possible for everyone. On longer days, I find myself envious of families posting beach and lake pictures and compiling long lists of fun activities to fill the days. But, since bitterness isn’t a good look on any of us, here are some thoughts on getting through summer break without losing your cool (but, actually, you will totally lose your cool because it’s going to be really, super hot…).
Quality over quantity. You don’t get all day with them – this is both a curse and a blessing. A curse because you’ll miss some of the funny things they do and you won’t always be there when they need you. This sucks for you both – I get it. But, a blessing because sometimes they’ll need you and you won’t be there and they’ll figure it out on their own. Plus, you can talk to adults and make a random Target run over lunch sans whining. Sometimes when we have a lot of something we don’t appreciate it nearly as
much as when we have only a little. Time with our kids is like that. If you’re the only person taking care of them all of the time, it can be hard to approach every moment with appreciation (full-time moms are laughing at this very thought). But, if you can save your resources for the time you do have together, you’re likely to be much more patient and connected with your kids. Think about the hours you’ll all be home at the same time. Cut out unnecessary activities for all of you. Put away technology so you can interact. At dinner, have each person go through the highs and lows of his or her day. Institute family time at least every other day – maybe during the tiny space between dinner and bedtime. Take a short walk, play a board game, or work on a craft. If you can, have one-on- one time with each child once they’re in bed to talk about anything on their minds. If you have a spouse or partner and more than one
child, divide and conquer so everyone gets some alone time and feels heard.
Staycate. Most of us save our vacation time for, well, a vacation. If you don’t get much time off or if finances are a consideration, vacations may be few and far between. Consider taking an occasional staycation day where you don’t go to work but you don’t spend 12 hours stuffing everything you own in your car so you can spend the next 24 hours at the beach and then stuff it all back in to drive home. Vacations are stressful and, as a result, may not provide the quality downtime with your family you’re looking for. Consider, instead, making a plan to do nothing that requires planning. Explore a local trail, work on setting up a vegetable garden, or spend the day playing in the sprinkler. Kids don’t need big trips to enjoy time with their parents – they can be pretty cheap dates.
Connect in other ways. If you’re working, your kids are likely at camp or staying with a babysitter or family member during the day. If they have access to a smart device, call or send check-ins during the day to let them know you’re thinking about them or tell them something funny that happened on your way to work. If texts aren’t an option, start a back-and- forth journal with each kid. Set aside a notebook for each one and explain that he/she can tell or ask you anything and that you’ll write back, keeping everything confidential. Designate specific hiding places for each journal so kids won’t stumble on each other’s. Get the ball rolling with questions like: “If you could go anywhere, where would you go?” and “What’s the funniest thing that’s ever happened to you?” We’ll talk more about this idea next month.
When you’re apart all day, staying connected with your kids can be tough. During the school year, we can blame the separation on compulsory education laws. Once school’s out for summer, however, the reality of there being no real “break” for us or our kids hits. My children will spend most days at camp during the same hours they’d normally be in school. They’ll have a great time, see friends, and come home dirty and exhausted. My work routine won’t change in any appreciable way. But, with some added effort, I think we can make summer a time to look forward to. Except for the heat because: for serious.
About this column: Send your parenting- and kid-related questions my way via email at: parentingwithaphd@gmail.com and I’ll tell you what I can: Please be aware that email is not a secure method of transmitting personal information so it’s best to keep your questions general. If your question is featured, your name and email will not be published. Submitting a question does not constitute a professional relationship in any way and this column is not meant to substitute for face-to-face therapy. If you feel you’re doing the best you can and still need help, it may be time to bring in a professional. Start by talking with your child’s pediatrician to get a referral.
Kristen S. Berthiaume, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist
About Kristen:
Kristen Berthiaume, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist with Grayson and Associates. She obtained her doctorate in clinical psychology from the University of Kentucky. She completed a predoctoral internship in clinical psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and a post- doctoral fellowship in the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorders (ADHD) Program at Duke University Medical Center. She specializes in providing assessment and treatment of children, adolescents, and families dealing with the following issues: ADHD, learning disorders, social skill deficits, organizational problems, behavioral difficulties, anxiety, and depression. She generally focuses on behavioral and cognitive- behavioral techniques, but maintains a flexible approach to therapy. Her other day job is as mom to her daughters, ages seven and one, and four-year-old son.
