By: Kristen Berthiaume
Recently, a friend of mine from High School wrote a FaceBook status that I think many of parents can relate to: how do I balance the financial and emotional needs of my family? Some days, I feel like this question practically defines my life. After a full day’s work, my kids are not getting the very best of me – especially during those frantic hours of trying to cram in homework, dinner, bedtime, and multiple requests for water so that you can finally sit down load the dishwasher. Whether you work outside of the home or not (let’s be clear – all parents are “working parents”) – you can’t always be available for your kids and need to have your own interests, relationships, and thoughts. And there never seems to be enough money – sometimes the only kind of trip you can afford is a guilt trip. How do we achieve some kind of balance and still get our requisite four hours of sleep a night? Here are some ideas.
Of course it’s important for your family to have financial stability so you can afford to take care of basic needs like food, shelter, healthcare, etc. And, hopefully most of you employed outside of the home actually enjoy what you go and do every day. But, is it possible that you’re putting pressure on yourself to work long hours so the family can afford upgraded electronics and regular Disney vacations? Sit down with your partner and look at your spending. Are there relatively easy ways to cut corners for the sake of more quality time? Yes, reducing your family’s activities, trips, and procurement of stuff will be an adjustment but if affording these things means having to be apart for more time than you feel good about, it will be well worth scaling back. Also, consider talking with your employer about whether you can work some hours from home (but only do this if it won’t affect the quality of your performance, of course).
Don’t overschedule your kids. Or yourself. You know this. Your kid doesn’t have to be named a Chess Grandmaster, become fluent in Italian, and earn a college soccer scholarship all by 2nd grade. Give him some time to be a kid and just enjoy being present for that. Make sure that at least some of this time is unplugged (i.e., outside, with a book, building, creating, etc.) and avoid the impulse to structure the experience for him. Kid says he’s bored? Ask questions that help him figure out what he’d enjoy. Do you feel like being active or quiet? Is there something new you’ve been wanting to learn or try? Set a limit on weekend activities with your spouse/partner. Otherwise, you may well spend from 4:00 p.m. Friday until 9:00 p.m. Sunday birthday party hopping (#bouncyhouseoverdose). Prioritize what you and your kids really want to do and decline other social invitations you receive. Remember that you’ll want some time to recharge and reconnect as a family. And you should probably do laundry at some point.
Some days, the only interaction we get with our kids is telling them to hurry up and get dressed, hurry up and eat dinner, hurry up and go to sleep. Not exactly quality time. Of course, getting things (e.g, pajamas, lunch, clothes for the next day, etc.) ready in advance can help routines go more smoothly but that doesn’t reduce the amount of work you’re doing. Think about what jobs your child might be ready to take on that would free up some of your time. For example, as I described here, our 1st grader is learning how to make her own sandwiches for lunch. Yes, it takes some work on the front end but once she’s proficient at it, I can leave her to it and go on to something else that has to be done. At the end of the day, that’s an extra five minutes I have for something I want to do.
Other kid jobs to consider: setting the table, sorting clean clothes, putting clothes in drawers, laying out pajamas, sweeping, wiping down the table, loading/unloading silverware in the dishwasher, making beds (I mean, if someone’s coming over and it actually matters), picking up toys, etc. Think about the daily tasks you insist on doing because no one else will get them right and consider this:
A) Does it matter if this is done perfectly?; B) With practice and guidance, could my child or spouse/partner learn to do this the way I want it done?; and C) If I absolutely have to do this task, can it be done less frequently?
Consider integrating special time into your daily schedule so you have guaranteed, stress-free interaction with your kids. Pick a collaborative activity (Read: NOT T.V.) and decide on an end point (e.g., when we finish the puzzle, in 15 minutes, etc.) to help you keep on schedule for other activities. Before bed is often a great time. Create a list of ideas for this activity and rotate through: coloring, dance party, duck-duck-goose, Legos, puzzles, storytelling, playing music, etc). Or, for added drama, install an app on your smart device that randomly chooses your Family Time activity each night. Check out Randomizer – it’s a fun carnival wheel that you can customize with your activity list. The kids will love to spin the wheel!
It’s O.K. to end Family Time early for fighting, disrespect, or out-of-control behavior, but be sure to warn your kids ahead of time that this can happen.
However you decide to balance work and family, cut yourself some slack. Parenting is a hard, hard job and, unless you have a tremendous amount of help, there is no way to get everything done that needs to be done. Maybe it’s time to accept that you can’t add hours to the day so consider re-defining what “needs” really means to your family and to you as a separate individual. This is an ongoing process and some days will be more heavily weighted to one side or the other but having a common goal of decreasing stress, increasing quality interactions, and, probably most importantly, reducing guilt that you can’t be everywhere all the time, is definitely a balance worth working towards.
About this column: Send your parenting- and kid-related questions my way and I’ll tell you what I can: parentingwithaphd@gmail.com Please be aware that email is not a secure method of transmitting personal information so it’s best to keep your questions general. If your question is featured, your name and email will not be published. Submitting a question does not constitute a professional relationship in any way and this column is not meant to substitute for face-to-face therapy. If you feel you’re doing the best you can and still need help, it may be time to bring in a professional. Start by talking with your child’s pediatrician to get a referral.
Kristen Berthiaume, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist with Grayson and Associates. She obtained her doctorate in clinical psychology from the University of Kentucky. She completed a predoctoral internship in clinical psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and a post- doctoral fellowship in the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorders (ADHD) Program at Duke University Medical Center. She specializes in providing assessment and treatment of children, adolescents, and families dealing with the following issues: ADHD, learning disorders, social skill deficits, organizational problems, behavioral difficulties, anxiety, and depression. She generally focuses on behavioral and cognitive- behavioral techniques, but maintains a flexible approach to therapy. Her other day job is as mom to her six-year-old and newborn daughters and three-year-old son.
