How do you talk to your daughter about her weight? The short answer is – you don’t. Sometimes parents think that if their kid is overweight, either per their own opinion or per diagnosis by the pediatrician, reminders are needed for the child to change her eating and exercise habits. But, when parents focus critically on their children’s weight, kids pick up on the negativity and are likely to internalize it. That’s a recipe for eating disorders and poor body image – not what you were going for. Even complimenting your daughter on weight loss can send the message that it’s highly important she stay thin – even at the cost of her physical and mental well-being. Better to focus on health and on characteristics that have nothing what-so-ever to do with her appearance like how many books she has read this week and what a kind friend she is.
It is OK (and even helpful) to talk to your daughter about her body – about what it can do (Jump! Cartwheel! Shoot a basket!), how strong it is, and how it works in general. Focusing on the neutral (e.g., “Your brain tells your body what to do”) to positive (e.g., “Your strong leg muscles let you run and run!”) aspects of your daughter’s body helps to create a strong, positive body image. Research shows that when people feel good about their bodies, they’re more likely to take care of them. Look together at books like: Basher Science Human Body: A Book With Guts (By Dan Green) or The Usborne Complete Book of the Human Body (By Anna Claybourne) and discuss surprising facts about the human body. There’s also a cool smart device app called “The Human Body” by Tiny Bop that lets kids get interactive with different systems in the body (no worries – the reproductive system isn’t an option!). Instead of putting your daughter “on a diet,” talk about how her body needs good fuel (a.k.a. not “junk”) to stay alert in school, keep moving during soccer practice, and handle the growing she’s doing every day. Discuss what happens with the food we eat inside our bodies – how it is used and how it is stored. Avoid singling fat and carbs out as “bad” – we need both of these things in moderation. Some good books to read together are: Healthy Habits for Healthy Kids (By Tracie Heskett) with versions for different grade levels; How Did That Get in My Lunchbox: The Story of Food (By Chris Butterworth); and What Happens to Your Food? (By Alastair Smith). Also talk about what exercising does for your daughter’s body, like keeping her blood flowing, making her heart strong, helping her think more clearly, and strengthening her muscles. Avoid talking about losing fat or toning muscles, though – those aren’t things a growing girl needs to focus on.
If you’re concerned about your daughter’s health and/or weight, talk to her about starting some healthy habits so she can feel better and be stronger. Take her grocery shopping with you and focus on buying food that doesn’t come in a box. Let her try different fruits and veggies, even if she’s only willing to take one bite of some to find the ones she likes. Help her become more connected to the food she eats by taking her to a farm like Jones Valley Teaching Farm so she can learn more about the growing process. Consider planting a couple of items in a garden that she can help take care of and harvest – there’s nothing better than a ripe tomato right off the vine! Search for fun recipes together using what you’ve bought or grown and taste test your creations. Increase your daughter’s activity level by signing her up for a sport or other activity that involves movement. This is also a great way to make new friends! Invite her on walks or runs with you as special one-on-one time. Consider getting her a kid-friendly activity tracker like the X-Doria KidFit Activity/Sleep Tracker for Kids, which keeps track of kids’ progress towards activity goals without focusing on number of steps or calories burned. Parents can set up systems for kids to earn rewards based on meeting goals. This system also tracks sleep and may motivate your kiddo to go to bed on time!
While we’re focused on strength and health, remember to make positive comments about your own body in front of your daughter and avoid, at all costs, talking about your flaws, the diet you’re on, or how your clothes look “awful” on you. You may have that running commentary going on in your head but is that really something you want her to inherit? Remember that, no matter what your body looks like, it is doing amazing things all the time like digesting food, getting you from place to place, pumping blood so you can live, etc. Focus on the parts you like best – their functionality and their strength. Also, talk about other things about yourself and your life that you’re proud of – like how you stood up for yourself at work or how you figured out what was wrong with the car without calling a mechanic. Your daughter is always, always watching and listening to you – make sure the right stuff is going in!
About this column: Send your parenting- and kid-related questions my way via email at: parentingwithaphd@gmail.com and I’ll tell you what I can: Please be aware that email is not a secure method of transmitting personal information so it’s best to keep your questions general. If your question is featured, your name and email will not be published. Submitting a question does not constitute a professional relationship in any way and this column is not meant to substitute for face-to-face therapy. If you feel you’re doing the best you can and still need help, it may be time to bring in a professional. Start by talking with your child’s pediatrician to get a referral.
Kristen S. Berthiaume, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist
Kristen Berthiaume, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist with Grayson and Associates. She obtained her doctorate in clinical psychology from the University of Kentucky. She completed a predoctoral internship in clinical psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and a post- doctoral fellowship in the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorders (ADHD) Program at Duke University Medical Center. She specializes in providing assessment and treatment of children, adolescents, and families dealing with the following issues: ADHD, learning disorders, social skill deficits, organizational problems, behavioral difficulties, anxiety, and depression. She generally focuses on behavioral and cognitive- behavioral techniques, but maintains a flexible approach to therapy. Her other day job is as mom to her daughters, ages seven and one, and four-year-old son.