By Kristen Berthiaume:
Kids are embarrassing. Just, really. Whether it’s their atrocious behavior at a restaurant or a loudly asked question about someone’s appearance, decorum is not a high priority for little ones. Most of this behavior is entirely innocent: they’re just having fun and not trying to hurt or annoy anyone. So, how do you, as a parent, deal with these embarrassments when they come up to help your kids learn appropriate behavior in public without shaming them for simple curiosity?
Try some of these tips:
Prime them. The best way to avoid being embarrassed by your kids’ behavior is to adequately prepare them for situations ahead of time. On the way to where you’re going, have a talk about what they can expect when you arrive: “It’s going to be really crowded,” “You’re going to be seeing lots of family members,” “People are going to be having quiet conversations.” Then, tell your child what you expect from him: “I expect you to walk next to me so you don’t get lost,” “You don’t have to hug anyone you don’t want to hug but I expect you to say hello,” “You must use your inside voice while we’re there so get your screams out now!” (Immediately plug your ears if you say that last thing). Explain what will happen if your child meets these expectations: “If you can use your inside voice and sit next to me at the table, we can order dessert after dinner;” and what will happen if he doesn’t meet the expectations: “If you can’t follow the rules about being in a restaurant, we will have to leave as soon as we finish dinner.”
A particularly tricky issue to handle is preventing potentially embarrassing or insulting questions about others’ behavior or appearance. Priming your child for handling these situations the best way starts much earlier than the car ride. By age three, it would be a good idea to start having conversations with your kids about physical differences they might notice in others and the best way to ask you about them. You might start this conversation by reading books about differences together.
Some fun ones:
It’s Okay To Be Different by Todd Parr, What I Like About Me by Allia Zobel Nolan, We’re Different, We’re the Same (“Sesame Street”) by Bobbi Kates, and the Some Kids…(…Are Deaf, …Use Wheelchairs, etc.) series by Lola M. Schaefer.
Then talk about times they may have noticed that someone looked different because of skin color, hair color, body size, hygiene, use of assistive devices, etc.
Discuss some of the challenges that might come with various differences and, also, the good things about being different. When your child has grasped the concept of physical differences, move on to behavioral differences: for example, schoolmates with learning or intellectual disabilities who may not understand information the same way your child does; people who don’t seem to make sense or mutter to themselves. Explain that just like our bodies look and work differently, so do our brains and how our brains work affects our behavior. Talk about how your child should handle it if he has questions about someone’s physical or behavioral difference. Tell him to hold on to his questions until you can speak privately and reassure him that you’ll answer all his queries at that time. When this conversation happens, only give information you’re sure is true and look up anything you’re uncertain about. Discuss ways your child can be sensitive to people’s physical and behavioral differences like: saying hello when walking past them, being sure not to stare or point, playing with a child who seems different on the playground, or speaking up when someone else is making fun of a person’s difference. To help your child maintain a neutral to positive attitude, be careful not to assign judgment when talking about differences even if you may feel it’s the person’s own fault (e.g., the person appears under the influence). You can still discuss your own values (e.g., “Drugs are very harmful and we stay away from them”) without criticizing someone else.
If it happens that your child says or does something offensive, be neutral and matter of fact. No matter how well you prepare your child, there’s always the potential that she’ll behave poorly or say something hurtful to someone. Your first response should be to calm down. Take deep breaths, count, whatever. No matter what the looks others are giving you may suggest, what just happened is NOT a reflection of you or your parenting. Kids aren’t miniature adults and the filters in their brains don’t always work. Assuming you didn’t tell your child to do or say whatever she just did or said, this isn’t your embarrassing situation. Think of what just happened as a prime “teachable moment.” The lesson will be much more effective if you’re not infusing the situation with your own anger or shame. Keep in mind that your daughter may find the person’s appearance or behavior to be disturbing or scary. If she’s never seen a person without legs before, she may wonder if that will happen to her, too. If someone is yelling or cussing in the street, she may fear he’s going to hurt her. First, offer a brief apology to the person your child has hurt and explain that you and your daughter will discuss the matter privately.
Shushing your child and quickly storming off not only leaves the offended party hanging but also gives him no reassurance that your child will learn from the situation or behave any differently in the future. Second, take your daughter by the hand away where you can talk in confidence. Third, ask calmly if your child knows why what she just did or said was hurtful. If she seems clueless, explain to your child that calling out someone’s differences or describing those differences in a negative way may call attention to
something that the other person doesn’t like having to talk about or explain all the time. Ask your daughter about her own differences and how she feels when others make fun of them. Fourth, find out what questions your daughter needs answered about the person’s differences and do your best to address them. Fifth, discuss ways that she might make the situation right. Can she apologize to the person? Don’t push this if she seems overly anxious or fearful. You’ve already apologized on her behalf and speaking to a person who may be angry with her will be too difficult for many kids. If you know the offended party, maybe she can write a letter or make a card. If she can’t apologize, try researching together that person’s differences so she can better understand them. Finally, talk about how your daughter will better handle a similar situation next time. Remind her that you are always happy to answer questions about someone’s appearance and behavior but that she needs to ask you in private and remember the right way to treat the person when she sees him or her. If your child makes good effort moving through these steps with you, tell her you’re proud that she is learning from her mistake and express that you know she’ll deal with it better in the future.
Most importantly, keep in mind that no matter how well you prepare your kids or how expertly you handled situations that occurred in the past, sometimes your kid is just going to do something awful in front of tons of people and you’re going to feel rotten about it. Fortunately, if you can put those negative feelings aside, or at least pretend to for a few minutes, you can help your child learn a valuable lesson about how to treat others and how to handle confusing situations.
About this column: Send your parenting- and kid-related questions my way and I’ll tell you what I can: parentingwithaphd@gmail.com Please be aware that email is not a secure method of transmitting personal information so it’s best to keep your questions general. If your question is featured, your name and email will not be published. Submitting a question does not constitute a professional relationship in any way and this column is not meant to substitute for face-to-face therapy. If you feel you’re doing the best you can and still need help, it may be time to bring in a professional. Start by talking with your child’s pediatrician to get a referral.
Kristen Berthiaume, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist with Grayson and Associates. She obtained her doctorate in clinical psychology from the University of Kentucky. She completed a predoctoral internship in clinical psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and a post- doctoral fellowship in the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorders (ADHD) Program at Duke University Medical Center. She specializes in providing assessment and treatment of children, adolescents, and families dealing with the following issues: ADHD, learning disorders, social skill deficits, organizational problems, behavioral difficulties, anxiety, and depression. She generally focuses on behavioral and cognitive- behavioral techniques, but maintains a flexible approach to therapy. Her other day job is as mom to her daughters, ages seven and one, and four-year-old son.
