It’s New Year’s Eve! You have a million things to do today so your family can A) Eat and B) Celebrate the heck out of the old year and in with the new. You have to make black eyed peas for New Year’s Day (it’s good luck after all, which probably means not having them is bad luck…), buy confetti (please re-think this plan), and find that thing on Netflix where King Julian does a count-down so the kids can go to bed by 8:00 p.m. I realize that the very act of making New Year’s Resolutions is just one more thing to do, which is why I’ve made a list for you. Feel free to cut and paste as needed – #11 is my favorite.
1. Install locks – both figuratively and literally. Tired of being disturbed when you’re trying to pee? Put a lock on the bathroom door. Sick of the kids interrupting every time you and your spouse try to have a conversation? Put a (figurative) lock on that behavior. Decide on boundaries that you need for your sanity and figure out how to create them. Whether it’s a simple piece of hardware or an agreement with your spouse that you will both ignore kids who try to talk over you and won’t respond until you’ve finished your conversation.
2. Quit judging your parenting. If reading parenting articles makes you feel like a bad parent, stop following those writers or change the way you think about the message you’re reading. Most of us who write this kind of thing are wanting to offer suggestions and give you more tools to use. It’s rare that a writer is actually trying to shame your parenting skills. If reading parenting articles makes you feel like you’re doing a bad job, consider whether you’re being overly hard on yourself, taking every suggestion as the only way to parent and assuming you fall short on all counts. When you read these articles, look for the things that you’re doing well. Focus on how far you’ve come and the areas where your kids are thriving.
3. Love your body. Or at least fake it for the kids. Your children think you are beautiful. Seriously, my daughter once saw a picture of Jessica Chastain and said, “She looks just like you!” She does not, in reality, look just like me but pointing out to my daughter the myriad ways I’m not as attractive as Jessica Chastain seemed like a pointless exercise (my daughter also thinks I’m 22 years old and I do not disabuse her of this assumption either). Our kids, both our daughters and our sons, need to see that we can love ourselves, flaws and all. They need to understand that the entirety of who we are isn’t wrapped up in our outward appearance or a number on the scale. Resolve to keep your mouth shut about your physical flaws, at least in front of your children. Better yet, say out loud the things you do like about yourself – your eyes, your strong legs, your freakishly long toes.
4. Don’t buy all the things. It’s good for your kids to want – but not get – stuff. It teaches them about the value of things, how to work for what you want, and how to make do with what you already have. Your kids don’t have to have the latest of everything – particularly if it causes a financial strain on you to get it. Your children’s friends won’t stop talking to them because they don’t have a Wii-Station One (or whatever – I don’t keep up) no matter how convinced your kids may be that this will happen. More stuff = more crazy in your house. I don’t know about you but I have enough crazy in my house for now…
5. Ask for help. I know you think you have to do everything yourself so it’s done the right way but some things don’t have to be done “the right way” – they just need to be done. The kids can do their version of making the bed, the spouse is perfectly capable of loading the dishwasher, and your kids’ teacher will happily explain the math homework. To you both. You’re not Super Woman and that’s totally O.K.
6. Avoid upward comparisons. Your Facebook feed is full of perfect children raised in perfect homes by perfect parents. It’s all total B.S. You know in your gut that there is no “perfect” and that most of these people are just doing the best they can day-to-day. We choose what face to present to the world and some people only post those impossibly timed photographs where no one happens to be biting anyone else or screaming about having the wrong color popsicle. Likewise…
7. Avoid “hottest mess” comparisons. Another thing we parents are often guilty of is comparing how truly, terribly awful we have it. From the kid who “never” sleeps to the house that “always” looks like a laundry bomb went off in it, we are huge fans of telling the world how much of a mess our lives are. No matter how super busy someone is, you’re even super busier. No matter how many crazy long hours someone has to work, you have to work even crazier, longer hours. Probably we do this because we feel a little guilty about our stress levels and our lack of time to build blanket forts with our kids (seriously, my kids are so on their own with that). We wonder if our friends would still love us if they saw what our houses looked like 20 minutes before the play date. We want to provide bona fide excuses for why we haven’t signed up to be room parent or why we might miss a few soccer games. But, in truth, if you have food in your fridge and slept with a roof over your head last night, you have it waaaay better than, like75% of the world population (I KNOW – that’s a crazy statistic). This doesn’t mean we can’t vent sometimes but we actually stress ourselves out more when we focus on how busy/disorganized/forgetful we are. Keeping it in perspective can help us avoid “awfulizing” (my dad’s word for making things seem worse than they are) our situation and help us focus on what’s going right.
8. Stop doing the things that aren’t working. If you’re using discipline or parenting techniques with your kids that clearly aren’t working, take stock. Ask your child’s pediatrician for ideas. Search the internet and bookstore for resources. Try a new tactic for a couple of weeks (at least – it might take even longer to work!) and see how it goes. If things are really going badly at home, ask the doc for a referral for therapy so you and your child can work on the problem together. Life is too short to keep doing what you’re doing if everyone is miserable.
9. Put down your phone. I’m so guilty of this one. You may well be reading this on your phone right now and I’m writing it on my iPad, which means I’m not currently interacting with my kids. I get that social media is a much needed escape for many of us parents and we absolutely must take a break sometimes. But, think about the social skills you want your kids to have and model those. Instead of glancing up from the screen briefly when you see your kid after school/work, say hello and give a big hug. Hanging out with friends? Leave the phone in your purse. Make (and stick to) a rule that there are no screens at dinner – including for the adults. Put the phone away for serious discussions or when your child is telling you about his day. Obviously, don’t look at the phone when you’re driving (this is more of a safety issue because 16-year-olds new drivers + phones = yikes). You don’t have to sneak around to look at social media but you can reduce how often you let it disrupt family time.
10. Say NO. To your spouse, to your kids, to your friends, to your boss, to your child’s teacher. Say no to playdates, no to errands, no to organizing events, no to traveling, no to baking, no to working, no to cleaning. Not all the time, of course – this isn’t “New Year’s Magical Wishes.” But, when you’re feeling so stressed that the idea of adding one more thing will lead you to resent the person doing the asking, just politely decline. There will be other chances for you to save the day, help out, or make your world-famous brownies. Today is not the day. And being able to say “no” will not only reduce your stress but enable you to really give your all to the things you’ve said “yes” to today.
11. Eat more chocolate. I don’t know why. Probably this would be helpful
About this column: Send your parenting- and kid-related questions my way and I’ll tell you what I can: parentingwithaphd@gmail.com Please be aware that email is not a secure method of transmitting personal information so it’s best to keep your questions general. If your question is featured, your name and email will not be published. Submitting a question does not constitute a professional relationship in any way and this column is not meant to substitute for face-to-face therapy. If you feel you’re doing the best you can and still need help, it may be time to bring in a professional. Start by talking with your child’s pediatrician to get a referral.
About Kristen:
Kristen Berthiaume, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist with Grayson and Associates. She obtained her doctorate in clinical psychology from the University of Kentucky. She completed a predoctoral internship in clinical psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and a post- doctoral fellowship in the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorders (ADHD) Program at Duke University Medical Center. She specializes in providing assessment and treatment of children, adolescents, and families dealing with the following issues: ADHD, learning disorders, social skill deficits, organizational problems, behavioral difficulties, anxiety, and depression. She generally focuses on behavioral and cognitive- behavioral techniques, but maintains a flexible approach to therapy. Her other day job is as mom to her daughters, ages seven and one, and four-year-old son.
