We all know the old joke about New Year’s Resolutions – gyms are crazy crowded in January but empty by February. When we make Resolutions about our parenting (“Yell less, listen more!” “Put away the phone and enjoy my children,” “Eat something besides Goldfish for lunch”) we usually fall back into old patterns pretty quickly. Why? We’re creatures of habit. Plus, there’s probably a reason we were doing things the way we were doing them in the first place waaay back in December. Maybe you yell because your kids only listen when you do. Maybe you eat Goldfish for lunch because you literally do not have time to make yourself lunch. Wanting to make changes/do better/meet goals is great but without a realistic plan, we may be setting ourselves up for failure and disappointment. (New resolution: Buy more wine). Consider focusing on creating new parenting habits instead of just listing resolutions.
First, start small with just one or two changes. Focus on why you are making the change and write yourself some notes to help you keep site of the reasons. Keep those notes handy in case you need to refer back to them. For example, your goal may be to spend 10 minutes of quality, one-on-one time with each child each day. You might settle on this goal because you feel like all you do now is bark orders at them to get dressed, eat, get in the car, get out of the car, eat, undress, and go to bed. You (and your kids!) may be missing the connection that comes from just sitting and playing together. Second, look at the big picture to figure out what factors are maintaining the status quo (e.g., zero minutes of quality, one-on-one time with each child each day) and what it would take to change those factors. Busyness is probably Factor #1. Do you need to leave work 20 minutes earlier? Does bedtime need to be pushed back a little? Can the kids screen time be reduced? Be creative – the one-on-one time could happen while you’re doing something you’d have to do anyway like cooking dinner. Third, decide on a system for measuring success. A poster or calendar on the fridge is a great constant, visual reminder of your goal. Consider a system for keeping track of when you met your goal along with some notes about how it went and how everyone felt about it. Also, keep track of when you didn’t meet your goal and why that might have happened. If you have trouble remembering something you want to do daily, an alarm on your phone can be a big help. Fourth, ask others to keep you accountable. Having your spouse’s support, reminders, and help will go a long way towards staying on track with your goal. Get friends to check in on how things are going. Fifth, reflect regularly on how things are going. Talk with your spouse and kids about how you’re doing with your goal. For example, are the kids enjoying the one-on-one time? If so, what’s their favorite part? If not, why not? Check in that no other areas are suffering greatly as a result. Make changes if it doesn’t look like everyone is getting what they’re needing. Finally, celebrate your efforts even if they’re not perfect. With just about any goal, you’ll screw up some days. Forgive yourself. Try to focus on the long-term goal and feeling more connected with your child and less on checking a box each day.
Once you feel you’ve made a parenting practice a habit, move on to tackle a new challenge but have your spouse and/or kids let you know if the behavior starts to slide. The hardest habits are those that are really ingrained; for instance, some people are just yellers. But, even reducing parenting behaviors you don’t feel good about a little can make a big difference for you and your kids. Assess the problem carefully and from all sides, get a team of people to support you and hold you accountable (for really big problems like mental health and substance abuse issues, you’ll likely need a professional to be on this team. Talk your doctor for a referral), and track your progress honestly as you go. You probably won’t form any habits by January 2nd but you can at least make a start!
About this column: Send your parenting- and kid-related questions my way via email at: parentingwithaphd@gmail.com and I’ll tell you what I can: Please be aware that email is not a secure method of transmitting personal information so it’s best to keep your questions general. If your question is featured, your name and email will not be published. Submitting a question does not constitute a professional relationship in any way and this column is not meant to substitute for face-to-face therapy. If you feel you’re doing the best you can and still need help, it may be time to bring in a professional. Start by talking with your child’s pediatrician to get a referral.
Kristen S. Berthiaume, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist
Kristen Berthiaume, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist with Grayson and Associates. She obtained her doctorate in clinical psychology from the University of Kentucky. She completed a predoctoral internship in clinical psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and a post- doctoral fellowship in the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorders (ADHD) Program at Duke University Medical Center. She specializes in providing assessment and treatment of children, adolescents, and families dealing with the following issues: ADHD, learning disorders, social skill deficits, organizational problems, behavioral difficulties, anxiety, and depression. She generally focuses on behavioral and cognitive- behavioral techniques, but maintains a flexible approach to therapy. Her other day job is as mom to her daughters, ages seven and one, and four-year-old son.