We’ve passed the Honeymoon Phase of school, which means we’ve entered the Oh-Crap-We-Forgot-We-Were-Supposed-To-Do-That-Tonight Phase. This phase, of course, lasts the rest of the school year (don’t forget those hand-engraved, super expensive, personalized, home-baked gifts for the teacher on the very last day!!). Assuming you actually remember to sit your child down for homework, what happens when you try to help…and can’t? Aside from confirming your kid’s suspicion that you do not, in fact, know anything, there’s a lot of anxiety for child and parent when homework is left unfinished whether because neither of you were sure how to complete it, there were too many tears, or you ran out of time. Here are some ideas for reducing homework stress:
The first thing to remember – and this is vitally important – IT’S NOT YOUR HOMEWORK. You’ve already finished 3rd grade (I assume) and no one is holding you personally accountable for every answer being correct. Yes, younger children will need some parent assistance understanding what to do, especially if they don’t read, but the work sent home is meant to be the student’s. Keep in mind that teachers won’t generally assign homework unless students have already had practice with it during the school day. Be sure to convey to your child that this is her work – not yours and not ours. “We don’t have homework. You have homework.” By 1st grade, most kids are expected to write down what their assignments are. Have your child refer to the assignment book in order to get started and to only call you if she gets stuck. Be close but don’t feel like you need to hover. If your child senses that you’re eager to help with the work (or do it for him), he just might ask even if he doesn’t need it. Emphasize to your child that part of doing homework includes labeling it with her name and putting all materials away so assignments go
back to school with her the next day. Otherwise, you’ll be packing her bookbag before every college class and living in the dorm room…
Sometimes, despite everyone’s best attempts, your kid just isn’t going to understand his homework. If it’s a simple clarification issue, of course it’s fine to step in. Help her complete one item and then, once she remembers how to do it, let her finish the work on her own. However, in many cases, particularly in math, strategies taught are very different than those we learned in school and your child will be pretty adamant that THAT’S NOT HOW WE’RE SUPPOSED TO DO IT If you show them your way to solve a
problem. Get some advice early on from your child’s teacher on how you should handle this. Do you ask your child to work for 20 minutes completing what he understands and leaving the rest blank? Should you have your child do extra reading instead of working on assignments he doesn’t understand so that the teacher can go over them with him tomorrow? Also, find out whether the teacher would like for you to check over your child’s work and have him correct mistakes or if she wants to see what he knew on his own with no parent involvement. Usually, it’s the latter. Checking with your child’s teacher ahead of time will help you and your child create a homework philosophy that is (hopefully) low stress. Most teachers see homework as a chance for the child to practice something she has practiced in class and as an opportunity to gather feedback on how well each child learned the material. With too much parent help, the information coming back to the teacher is muddied – did you know it or did your child? Yes, homework is important but no, it’s not worth hour-long screaming fits and migraines. Help your child to see that, many times, it’s better to send homework back blank with a note about the difficulties he had with it than it is to spend hours trying to do something he just doesn’t get.
You’ll both be in a better place to problem solve homework completion if you’re calm when you get started. Be strategic about how many afterschool activities your child is signed up for; the busier he is in the afternoons, the more stressed and rushed you’ll both be during homework time. Once home, give your child a snack and some chill out time for no more than 30 minutes before getting started. If your kid has trouble transitioning from this break to homework time, consider limiting the kinds of activities (e.g., no T.V or internet, etc.) she can do during break so that it’s easier to move into work mode. If stress levels go up during homework time, agree to both take 5 minutes – stretch, get water, leave the room – and then start working again. If one or both of you continues to get upset, take that as a sign that your child may not understand what he is being asked to do or may be too tired to do it. Let the teacher know what was going on. If you sense that your child’s problem with homework completion stems from a lack of motivation, consider putting into place a point system where he can earn prizes or privileges for good effort without excessive whining. Of course, if your child has particular academic struggles, it might be helpful to talk with her regular or special education teacher on strategies for handling homework. In many cases, it may be possible to reduce the amount of homework she needs to
complete to ensure she’s not wrestling with it until past bedtime.
About this column: Send your parenting- and kid-related questions my way and I’ll tell you what I can: parentingwithaphd@gmail.com Please be aware that email is not a secure method of transmitting personal information so it’s best to keep your questions general. If your question is featured, your name and email will not be published. Submitting a question does not constitute a professional relationship in any way and this column is not meant to substitute for face-to-face therapy. If you feel you’re doing the best you can and still need help, it may be time to bring in a professional. Start by talking with your child’s pediatrician to get a referral.
Kristen Berthiaume, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist with Grayson and Associates. She obtained her doctorate in clinical psychology from the University of Kentucky. She completed a predoctoral internship in clinical psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and a post- doctoral fellowship in the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorders (ADHD) Program at Duke University Medical Center. She specializes in providing assessment and treatment of children, adolescents, and families dealing with the following issues: ADHD, learning disorders, social skill deficits, organizational problems, behavioral difficulties, anxiety, and depression. She generally focuses on behavioral and cognitive- behavioral techniques, but maintains a flexible approach to therapy. Her other day job is as mom to her daughters, ages seven and one, and four-year-old son.
