How many times have you tried selling this one to your kid: “We only use nice words when talking to our friends.” HA! I’m willing to bet you don’t practice this 100% of the time. Naturally, the people we’re most likely to use less-than-nice words with are the ones we’re closest to (including our kids – not that they learned it from us, of course). But, sometimes people make us mad. And sometimes that happens in front of our kids, especially when the disagreement is with our spouse or partner. Often parents worry that if they argue in front of their kids, it’ll lead to worries about divorce. And yes, loud, scary arguments can cause those kinds of fears. Fortunately, there is a fine art to arguing in front of your kids, making it possible to disagree while maintaining love and respect for the other person. In fact, showing your kids that you and your spouse can work out your differences calmly and (relatively) kindly will actually help your children solve problems they’re having with others, too. Here are some suggestions:
First, agree ahead of time with your spouse or partner that you will “fight fair” if the kids are in the general vicinity. Consider having a “safe word” (yes – I know the connotations here…) so one of you can let the other know that things are getting too heated and you need to take the disagreement behind closed doors. If you can’t both agree on this, you have to have a general policy against arguing around your children. But, consider working towards being able to talk things out when the kids are present – it’s a good learning experience for them and may actually force you and your spouse to be more respectful and more focused during the argument.
Second, make sure everyone is calm (and not hungry, tired, or needing to pee) before the discussion. If not, show how you calm down by taking a deep breath (not an exaggerated huff – everyone knows the difference!) before you start talking. If that doesn’t work, tell your spouse that you need a 5-minute break before talking. Be sure that you’re not having a complex argument while driving and turn off electronics so you aren’t distracted. Check that there’s enough time to have the discussion and that no one is going to be late to anything as a result.
Third, state your case clearly and concisely. People lose track of (and interest in) what we’re saying after around three phrases so don’t go on longer than that. Consider using the 3Fs to tell your spouse what’s going on:
Fact – Tell your spouse what is happening/has happened factually. Leave out the color commentary. “You told me that you would wash the dishes yesterday and you didn’t.”
Feeling – Describe how you feel. Remember that your spouse didn’t make you feel that way and it’s important that you don’t imply that his behavior caused your feeling. “I feel frustrated when I see the dirty dishes piling up.”
Fair Request – Ask your spouse clearly what you’d like him/her to do. Understand that your initial attempt at a fair request might be rejected so have a back-up at the ready. “Will you please wash them now?” If that doesn’t fly, “Please tell me when you’ll have time to wash them so I can decide whether to go ahead and do them myself.”
Fourth, when it’s your spouse’s turn to address the issue, demonstrate active listening. Note that active listening involves making eye contact, turning your body towards your partner, nodding, and possibly reflecting back things you hear. It does not involve eye-rolling, interrupting, scoffing, or angry facial expressions – you know, all the things you hate for your kids to do while you’re talking to them.
Fifth, keep going back and forth with this discussion until you find a compromise you can both feel O.K. about. If it’s clear you’re not going to find middle ground, you have to decide to table to discussion or agree to disagree. If you’re both good with it, try to have some kind of physical contact – a hand squeeze, a hug, etc. – at the end of the argument. The kids may feel like having a hug, too.
Finally, once the argument is over, your work isn’t quite finished. It’s helpful to check in with the kids on what they witnessed and how they’re feeling about it. Spend a few minutes debriefing. Explain each person’s side and why you were having trouble agreeing. Describe how you both first calmed down before you talked it out. Point out how the 3 Fs helped you get your point across and how you and your spouse worked together to find a compromise you could both live with. You might even highlight how the compromise was not quite what you wanted and not quite what your spouse wanted but was pretty good for both of you. Allay any fears that the argument means you don’t love each other or are getting a divorce; although, chances are these won’t come up if everyone managed to stay calm.
Important note: It’s absolutely crucial that your kids not witness serious fights that involve yelling, screaming, cussing or physical violence. In fact, if these things characterize arguments you and your spouse are having, it’s time to get help immediately. If you feel like your partner is being emotionally or physically abusive, you can contact the Alabama Coalition Against Domestic Violence at 1-800-650-6522 for help in making a plan. If the fights are ugly but no one is being physically injured, seek a psychotherapist skilled at working with couples. Ask a trusted friend or your general practitioner for a referral.
About this column: Send your parenting- and kid-related questions my way and I’ll tell you what I can: parentingwithaphd@gmail.com Please be aware that email is not a secure method of transmitting personal information so it’s best to keep your questions general. If your question is featured, your name and email will not be published. Submitting a question does not constitute a professional relationship in any way and this column is not meant to substitute for face-to-face therapy. If you feel you’re doing the best you can and still need help, it may be time to bring in a professional. Start by talking with your child’s pediatrician to get a referral.
About Kristen:
Kristen Berthiaume, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist with Grayson and Associates. She obtained her doctorate in clinical psychology from the University of Kentucky. She completed a predoctoral internship in clinical psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and a post- doctoral fellowship in the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorders (ADHD) Program at Duke University Medical Center. She specializes in providing assessment and treatment of children, adolescents, and families dealing with the following issues: ADHD, learning disorders, social skill deficits, organizational problems, behavioral difficulties, anxiety, and depression. She generally focuses on behavioral and cognitive- behavioral techniques, but maintains a flexible approach to therapy. Her other day job is as mom to her daughters, ages seven and one, and four-year-old son.
