Last week we touched on the topic of knowing when or if your kid is bullying others. There are many red flags that your kid is bullying and you’ve probably heard many before: getting into physical fights; threatening or intimidating a sibling or playmate; having a poor relationship with parents and teachers; frequently pushing limits and boundaries; witnessing or being victimized by violence or emotional abuse in the home. All of these issues warrant intervention immediately because bullying is associated with all kinds of negative consequences for your child from disrupted friendships, and family and romantic relationships, to anger problems, depression, anxiety, and legal trouble. But, not all bullying is obvious or physically violent. Relational aggression is a kind of bullying in which harm is caused by damaging someone’s relationships or social status. What we typically think of as “mean girl” behavior, boys also engage in relational aggression. Some examples: spreading rumors, revealing crushes, talking behind someone’s back, getting others to exclude a particular kid, pretending to be a friend to another child while constantly putting her down, and withdrawing friendship as a way to control someone’s behavior. Cyberbullying often falls into this category. Relational aggression can start much earlier than we think so it’s a good idea to monitor your child’s social world early. Here are 5 more subtle signs that your kid might be bullying (and what to do about them):
1. It’s never your kid’s fault. Children who bully usually have a lot of trouble taking responsibility for their actions and blame others for what happened. If your child always has an excuse for why they mistreated someone, try an exercise where he sits in a chair and tells you his side of the story. Then, have him switch to a different chair to tell you the sides of the other people involved. See if, together, you can get a more complete picture of the incident and help your child start to take responsibility for his own role in what happened.
2. If your daughter is bossy or overly controlling with siblings, there’s a good chance she’s taking that with her to school. Check with teachers about how she’s getting along in the classroom but also during less structured times like at recess. When you witness problematic interactions with siblings, step in. Ask your younger child to give feedback to your daughter about how it feels to be bossed around and provide consequences if your daughter won’t stop trying to control her siblings.
3. Seems counter-intuitive but usually kids who bully have been bullied. So, if your kid seems to be neglected or rejected by other kids, he may be doing the same thing to others. You will likely need to work with your child’s school to determine the whens, whys, hows, and wheres of the bullying so that it can be addressed.
4. She lacks empathy. Kids who don’t seem to understand or care about how others feel are much more likely to cause them emotional or physical pain without thinking twice. Often this is done to improve the child’s own social standing. Lack of or low empathy is associated with a number of very negative outcomes in terms of mental health and social, academic, occupational, emotional, and behavioral functioning. Helping your child understand someone else’s perspectives and giving them feedback about how their actions affect you and others are ways of helping empathy to grow.
5. Your child witnesses you engaging in relational aggression. This one is hard. Chances are, you’ve talked about a friend or acquaintance behind her back, excluded someone on purpose, or done something you’re not proud of for social standing – even as an adult. Stop doing it within eye- and earshot of your kids. They are always aware. You can’t tell your child to treat everyone equally and then turn to your friend and criticize what a mom at the park is wearing. Keep the snark where it belongs – in text messages to your friends on your password-protected iPhone!
If bringing relationally aggressive behaviors to your child’s attention and giving her feedback about the problems they cause doesn’t seem to get you anywhere, talk to your child’s pediatrician about a referral for a therapist. There could be more going on than is immediately apparent and letting this kind of behavior go unchecked could quickly land your child in a very sad and lonely place. Through therapy, he can learn social and coping skills that will help him feel better about himself and his relationships.
About Kristen:
Kristen Berthiaume, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist with Grayson and Associates. She obtained her doctorate in clinical psychology from the University of Kentucky. She completed a predoctoral internship in clinical psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and a post- doctoral fellowship in the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorders (ADHD) Program at Duke University Medical Center. She specializes in providing assessment and treatment of children, adolescents, and families dealing with the following issues: ADHD, learning disorders, social skill deficits, organizational problems, behavioral difficulties, anxiety, and depression. She generally focuses on behavioral and cognitive- behavioral techniques, but maintains a flexible approach to therapy. Her other day job is as mom to her daughters, ages seven and one, and four-year-old son.
