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Mom Shaming

By Kristen Berthiaume:

Although it’s definitely not a new thing, there’s been much in the news lately about “mommy shaming” and how it impacts new (and not-so-new) mothers. It seems that everyone – from other parents, to non-parents, to experts – has strong opinions about what moms should and shouldn’t do and, for some reason, the very act of mothering appears to encourage everyone to share (Share opinions I mean. Did you think I meant share toys? No one is sharing toys). Breastfeed-bottlefeed-use disposable diapers-use cloth diapers-medicate-don’t medicate-start solids-delay solids-sleep train-co-sleep-sleep when the baby sleeps-attachment parent-cry it out-put a hat on her- take his socks off-go back to work-don’t go back to work… The sheer volume of “helpful advice” is enough to make anyone feel like they are completely incompetent. And, mommy shaming during the infancy stage is only the beginning! Soon, mothers are either hearing that they’re hovering over their toddlers or not paying them enough
attention. “ It goes on from there: sign them up for sports-make sure they have free time-only feed them organic food-avoid strict diets-she should be reading by this time-she’ll read when she’s ready. Mom shaming continues throughout the child’s schooling to the college search, as kids enter the workforce and long-term relationships, and when they begin to consider parenthood. According to many, there is a “right” way and time for everything – and you’re doing it all wrong.

For new moms, much of the “advice” given is well-meaning and there’s probably no intention to create guilt or negative feelings. Most people believe that they’re genuinely telling you something you didn’t already know like that disposable diapers are bad for the environment or that there are lots of benefits to baby-wearing. But off-handed comments have a real impact, especially on mothers, so it’s helpful to have some responses ready that maintain your relationship with that person but do not invite nagging.

Don’t feel that you have to explain why you’ve made the choice you have – it’s none of that person’s business. Try something like, “I appreciate you sharing that – we considered that information when we made our decision.” Then, move on. If the advice-giver insists on constantly criticizing you when you spend time together, it may be time to cut that person from your life. In the case of a relative, in-law, or close friend doing the disapproving, have a sit-down, possibly including your partner/spouse, and state that while you enjoy spending time with her, you’ve noticed that she often criticizes your parenting.

Explain that you are doing the best you can and that you have sought out the most up-to-date information. Remind her that you will make mistakes as a parent, which is O.K., and that you need others’ support to help you become a more competent and confident mother. If that doesn’t work, just threaten no more baby time until she shuts her trap (Just kidding. But maybe not). There is an exception I want to point out and that is safety. When someone suggests to you that you may be putting your child
at risk – the carseat is incorrectly installed or the child is incorrectly buckled in (Remember: NO COATS IN CARSEATS!) or an infant is sleeping on her tummy instead of her back – that is not the kind of information you can politely ignore. Even if it makes you feel bad to realize that you may have been doing something dangerous for months or even years, you’ve got to act for your children’s sake. In those instances, take a deep breath and thank the person giving you the information. Tell him or her that you’ll check on it and then DO. Search the web or ask your pediatrician to make sure that you’re following the safest practices for your child. Your child’s health and safety are too important to let pride get in the way. Also, the way you handle this kind of feedback from someone may affect whether they give it to other parents who need to hear it in the future. In other words, you may be contributing to a process that’s life-saving to someone else’s child – or your own. Try to accept this kind of advice for what it is and know that it may well have been difficult for the other person to share with you.

For moms with older children, the most popular mom shaming topics appear to be: working versus staying-at-home and being on social media. Remember the “open letters” written to moms playing on their phones at the playground instead of using that time to enjoy those fleeting precious moments with their preschooler? If that’s not an example of mom shaming, I don’t know what is. I agree, wholeheartedly, that no parents (hear that, dads? I mean you, too) should be playing on their phones constantly when in their children’s presence. It’s crucial that we set certain limits for ourselves to model appropriate use of technology and allow ample time for interacting with our kids, spouse, friends, etc. But, maybe the mom at the park checking her Instagram has had a really rough start with that sweet-faced little boy who is quietly entertaining himself in the sandbox and this mental break is the only thing keeping her from complete and total meltdown. Let her have her time – she probably played with that little oppressor all #%&* morning. Even if a mother is spending “too much” time on social media, the shaming likely only contributes to that by diminishing her feelings of being a competent mother and making necessary an escape. It only makes sense that we tune in to social media more when we don’t feel like we’re doing a good job with some aspect of our real lives.

So, what can we do instead? We want to engage with others and make connections. Can we do that without being critical? Before you say something to a new mother, think about whether that kind of question would be appropriate for someone who is male or in another stage of life. Do you really need to know if this woman’s baby came out of her vagina or her stomach or someone else’s body? Is it any of your business what her baby is drinking – breastmilk or formula? Would you ask a man in the grocery store specific questions about a recent medical procedure or inquire whether your neighbors eat organic vegetables? New mothers love to talk about their babies until they don’t. Sure, ask the polite, harmless questions like the baby’s name and when she was born but skip inquiring about the intimate details of her birth story, her plans to have more babies, and whether she’s lost her birth weight yet.

These questions are all inherently judgmental because they imply, intentionally or not, that she may be failing at this motherhood stuff. Talk with new mothers about other things; things that, like, regular people might talk about: books you’ve read recently, the crazy weather, politics (on second thought, don’t talk about politics).  Would mom shaming even exist if we all focused on an “It takes a village approach?” Instead of giving the mom playing on her phone the side eye because she’s ignoring her kid, how about you kept an eye on him, too – just in case there’s a problem. Yes, I know – he’s not your kid, not your responsibility. But, aren’t there times in life where others have stepped up for you? Given you a pass? Pay it forward. You can show that you understand her situation with comments like, “Kids sure do have a lot of energy!” or by talking about how you’re grateful for playgrounds so children can entertain themselves for a while. In this way, you’re expressing empathy for her role as mother rather than passing judgment or suggesting she should be doing something differently. Likewise, if you’re a SAHM who volunteers frequently at your child’s school, keep an eye out for the kids whose parents both work and aren’t usually able to be there. Can you give them a bit of extra attention? Can you be a “room mom” just to them? And, hey, no judgment if you don’t want to try this – it’s just a suggestion.

Kristen Berthiaume, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist with Grayson and Associates. She obtained her doctorate in clinical psychology from the University of Kentucky. She completed a predoctoral internship in clinical psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and a post- doctoral fellowship in the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorders (ADHD) Program at Duke University Medical Center. She specializes in providing assessment and treatment of children, adolescents, and families dealing with the following issues: ADHD, learning disorders, social skill deficits, organizational problems, behavioral difficulties, anxiety, and depression. She generally focuses on behavioral and cognitive- behavioral techniques, but maintains a flexible approach to therapy. Her other day job is as mom to her daughters, ages seven and one, and four-year-old son.

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