Dear American Parents,
You’ve got to talk to your kids about this election. I don’t mean about who won and who lost, the electoral college, or hand size. I don’t care who you voted for or didn’t vote for or, really, whether you voted or not. But all around the country, reports are coming in of students being harassed at school since the election. Latino students told to “go back to Mexico,” shouts of “White power!”, and female students being groped in hallways. Some of these reports are unsubstantiated but many are pretty well documented. And, unfortunately, they’re reflective of what’s happening in the adult world so we’re not setting the best example. You can dismiss some of this as “kids being kids” and feeling excited that their “team” won; however, a good many of the accounts constitute harassment, bullying, or outright violence and should be deeply disturbing to every one of us, no matter how we voted. These kinds of behaviors weren’t acceptable on November 8th and they aren’t acceptable on November 9 th either. Neither will they be O.K. after the official transfer of power from Barak Obama to Donald Trump. You don’t need a clinical psychologist to tell you: we ALL know this conduct isn’t acceptable under any circumstance.
Do I think these kids are evil? Of course not. I think they’re kids. Do I think they are terribly misguided about what this recent election means and doesn’t mean? Without a doubt. Surely, they’ve seen snippets of candidate speeches and debates. They’ve heard family members, teachers, and strangers discussing policies and worries, threats and promises. As with every election, there has been a ton of information shared – some of it true, some of it false, and some of it “truthy.” Here’s what it boils down to: the new administration will likely make changes. Some people will love those changes and some people will hate them. However, we have a system of checks and balances in this country that prevents any one person from having total power to change laws in whatever way he or she sees fit. This system helps to preserve our democracy and prevent a dictatorship. If you need it, here’s a quick primer on the system of checks and balances for adults.
Because of this checks and balances system, campaign promises are just that – promises. Until ideas have been run by literally everyone and his grandma, no new laws are made. Usually, once every body weighs in on a given bill, it’s nowhere near as clear cut as the original promise was. I’d strongly encourage you to present (or re-present if they’ve already learned it in civics) this system to your kids to help them understand what it actually takes to make a law so they can adjust worries or expectations about the next administration accordingly. Here are a few kid-friendly explanations:
http://www.congressforkids.net/Constitution_checksandbalances.htm
https://bensguide.gpo.gov/j-check- balance
http://www.factmonster.com/ipka/A0777009.html
Given how much negotiation is required for the government machine to work, we can’t predict what changes the Trump Administration will successfully make. Here’s one thing I’m positive of: harassment and abusive behavior will never be acceptable. Regardless of which candidate we supported, most of us know this in our hearts. Unfortunately, it’s clear from many stories I’ve heard that some of our kids are a little unclear on this fact. It’s our job as parents to educate them about the worth that each and every one of their fellow students has, regardless of any demographic characteristic they can list. Whether we agree with others or not, we don’t get to intimidate or injure them.
Please sit down with your child tonight and have a talk. Remind him that you love him. Also, remind him that someone loves every one of his classmates and all of the people he encounters on a daily basis. Ask your child what she thinks about the violence and harassment going on in schools and in our community, supposedly in the name of politics. If there’s any indication she thinks it’s O.K., ask her why. Try to determine what she thinks changed on Election Day that would suddenly make these kinds of behaviors acceptable. Describe your expectations for her: to treat others kindly (or, if she can’t, to be indifferent to them); to walk away when a discussion gets too heated; and, if possible, to stand up for someone who is being bullied, whether she likes and agrees with that person or not. Explain that we have rules and laws in place to protect our people – not to make others do what we want them to do. School rules that state we can’t harass classmates aren’t going to change, regardless of whose president.
Laws that punish people for being violent or intimidating are generally going to stay the same. Teach your kids that we can disagree with someone’s beliefs or opinions – even vehemently – but still treat that person with respect. We can even be respectful towards people when we find fault with their lifestyle or behavior. In fact, we don’t have to like one single thing about another person in order to treat him or her respectfully. Treating someone with respect can just mean that we don’t infringe on his or her rights – it’s actually really simple. If we choose, we can totally steer clear of people we don’t get along with. We just can’t yell in their faces.
Maybe you think people are being “too whiny” about this election. You’re entitled to that opinion. But, it’s important that parents recognize how very intensely felt emotions are on both sides. If we adults are having some trouble using our best judgment when we disagree, surely the kids are, too. Remember that, just as you must do at your jobs and in your communities, our children have to be able to get along with a variety of peers, teachers, administrators, and other adults in order to be successful in their daily lives. You don’t have to condone anyone else’s behavior in order to maintain expectations for your child that he treat that person respectfully, regardless of who occupies the Oval Office.
About Kristen:
Kristen Berthiaume, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist with Grayson and Associates. She obtained her doctorate in clinical psychology from the University of Kentucky. She completed a predoctoral internship in clinical psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and a post- doctoral fellowship in the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorders (ADHD) Program at Duke University Medical Center. She specializes in providing assessment and treatment of children, adolescents, and families dealing with the following issues: ADHD, learning disorders, social skill deficits, organizational problems, behavioral difficulties, anxiety, and depression. She generally focuses on behavioral and cognitive- behavioral techniques, but maintains a flexible approach to therapy. Her other day job is as mom to her daughters, ages seven and one, and four-year-old son.
