Many of our young kids are blissfully unaware of the significance of 9-11 and will probably remain that way for a while. After all, it’s been 15 years since the September 11th attacks. Even current high school seniors probably have little memory for the events. But some of you will be asked at pick-up, “Did you know some bad guys flew planes into two tall buildings?!?” Most likely, this was not part of the day’s lesson plan but told to your kid by a very “helpful” classmate (you know, the one who announced that Santa is your parents?) Should this happen to you, try to stay calm – you can’t shield her from this kind of thing forever and it’s best that she get facts from you instead of all manner of crazy info from that kid.

Here are some tips for talking about September 11th, ready to or not:

Get the facts first. Visit websites like this one  or  this one for information about the attacks so that you can give your child accurate information.

For kids under age 7, you may not want to bring up this event unless they mention it first. Young kids usually aren’t ready to process something like this (but really, are any of us ready to process something like this?) and the conversation may lead more to fearfulness versus knowledge or understanding. However, if someone else tells your child about 9-11, it’s time to have a conversation.

Once you decide to talk about September 11th, the first step is to find out what your child already knows (“What have you heard about the attacks?”) and clear up any misconceptions as best you can. For example, if your child seems fearful of all Muslims, explain that the attacks were carried out by only a small group of people but that the vast majority of Muslim individuals were devastated and outraged by what happened. Explain that Muslim classmates and their families had nothing to do with the attacks and that your child has no reason to fear them or be angry with them. Next, give a factual but brief summary of what happened, “Before you were born, some very angry men came to the U.S. from another country and took control of four airplanes. They flew the planes into several buildings, including the very tall Twin Towers in New York.” Older children will want to know if people were hurt and you can answer truthfully but avoid giving a death toll, describing gruesome injuries, or talking about people jumping from windows. Kids don’t need to see graphic pictures or video from the events. Preteens and teens may be ready to see video of the plane hitting the South Tower but use your judgment about whether they can handle it.

Keep your emotions in check. Absolutely let your kids know how you felt when you heard about the attacks – angry, sad, scared – and how you feel now when you think about 9-11. Just be mindful of the intensity with which you express these emotions. Your kids don’t need to know that you didn’t leave your house for three days or vowed never to fly again after the attacks. It won’t help them to hear that you wished the hijackers were still alive so you could murder them yourself. Yes – those feelings were valid and you weren’t alone in feeling them. But, they’re too strongly expressed for kids to understand and may cause them undue anxiety. If you’re not sure you can talk about 9-11 to your kids without becoming extremely upset, hold off for now or ask another adult to help you with the conversation. It’s important that children be able to hear the facts of 9-11 in as safe a space as possible. They will probably have questions and you’ll need to be able to invite those questions and field them as best you can, which is very difficult when you’re too upset.

Speaking of questions, the hardest one you will likely get is: “Why?” Why did a bunch of men from a another country come all the way over here to steal planes and fly them into buildings? Why did they kill all those people? Why would someone do something like that? You can spend all day trying to give historical and cultural context for these attacks but the truth is, there is no good answer. There is no way for our brains to make sense of this horrific loss of human life. It’s O.K. to tell your child that you cannot understand it either. Just be sure that you focus on the fact that this kind of thing is very, very rare and happened a long time ago and somewhere far away (this is assuming you live in/near Birmingham). You don’t have to have the answer to everything as long as you can find ways to assure your child that he is safe.

A great way to help your child feel more secure is suggested by our old friend Fred Rogers (that’s “Mr. Rogers” to you). In a 1986 newspaper column, he said that his parents reassured him when he saw scary events on the news so he didn’t feel afraid. His mother told him, “Always look for the helpers. There’s always someone who is trying to help.” When he did, he came to see that “the world is full of doctors and nurses, police and firemen, volunteers, neighbors and friends who are ready to jump in to help when things go wrong.” That pretty much sums up what happened after 9-11 (and so many other tragic events). Search books and the internet for stories about survivors and heroes. Read and learn with your child about the people who helped immediately after the 9-11 attacks and in the days, months, and years of aftermath. Screen the stories first so you can find some that aren’t overly graphic or too detailed for your child, depending on his age and maturity level. Ask why a person would risk his or her own life to help others. Talk about ways that people have helped your child in scary or difficult situations. Ask your child what he could do in an emergency that would be helpful (e.g., tell an adult, call 9-1-1) and what he should not do (e.g., go into a building that’s on fire). Discuss how he can help in small ways every day (e.g., opening doors for others, picking up trash, etc.). By doing this, you’re giving your child a sense of control over frustrating or upsetting situations and reminding him that, although horrible things may happen, there is much good in this world. There are people who run toward instead of away from danger. There are always people around him who will help him – even if he doesn’t know them yet.

• If your child seems interested in knowing more, here are some resources to look at together.
  http://www.scholastic.com/teachers/collection/understanding-september-11

• September 12th: We Knew Everything Would Be All Right by students at Masterson Elementary School in Kennet, Missouri – ages 4 and up

• Fireboat: The Heroic Adventures of the John J. Harvey by Maira Kalman – ages 4 and up

• The Little Chapel that Stood by A.B. Curtiss – ages 4-8

• I Survived the Attacks of September the 11th by Lauren Tarshis – ages 7-10

• September 11th: Then and Now by Peter Benoit – ages 7 and up

If those options seem a little too detailed, consider The Man Who Walked Between the Towers (by Mordicai Gerstein), a lovely tribute to Philippe Petit who once walked a tightrope between the World Trade towers. The last sentence notes that the towers exist now “only in memory” but the overall message is fun and hopeful.

About Kristen:

Kristen Berthiaume, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist with Grayson and Associates. She obtained her doctorate in clinical psychology from the University of Kentucky. She completed a predoctoral internship in clinical psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and a post- doctoral fellowship in the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorders (ADHD) Program at Duke University Medical Center. She specializes in providing assessment and treatment of children, adolescents, and families dealing with the following issues: ADHD, learning disorders, social skill deficits, organizational problems, behavioral difficulties, anxiety, and depression. She generally focuses on behavioral and cognitive- behavioral techniques, but maintains a flexible approach to therapy. Her other day job is as mom to her daughters, ages seven and one, and four-year-old son.

Contrary to popular belief the words “Tailgate” and “Kids” can co-exist. No, not like the good ole’ days with  keg stands, or the 3 beer challenge from the tailgate spot to the stadium. The days of sneaking liquor in in zip lock bags taped to your leg are most likely a thing of the past, but you can support your team with your kids in tow, responsibly and have fun doing it.

How you ask? Here are a few things to keep in mind when loading up those little sports fans for game day.

1. Make sure they are decked out in team gear, this is important for them to feel like a part of the tailgating scene. A hat, a shirt, some fun party beads in team colors, maybe even spring for a kid size chair they can call their very own.

2. Pick a location that will be safe for the children to have some space to play. Try to find an area that will have little to no through traffic.  You don’t want to have them strapped in a stroller all day for fear of them wandering into traffic or to the wrong camp of tailgaters who will hand them a funnel because they are already too inebriated to see the difference between a pre-schooler and a college student. If possible, arrange the vehicles in your party in a way that will keep them fairly contained. Use chairs, tables and coolers to fill in gaps where needed.

3. So, you found the perfect spot and the kids are contained, now what? Before they start getting bored and whining which will inevitably kill your buzz, let them help you decorate. Take some team colored streamers and balloons, maybe the big car magnets to arrange on the cars you have blocking you in, and if they’re old enough, let them help set out the snacks and food.

4. Speaking of snacks and food – how about a kiddie cooler? Stock it full of juice and their favorite drinks so they can help themselves. Saves you from having to dig through the beer cooler for Juicy Juice and will make them feel like a real tailgater, go an extra step with their very own team koozie.

5. Activities! Activities! Activities!  Make the tailgating experience just as fun for the kids as it has always been for you. Playing catch is always an option, maybe a kids game of cornhole, or turn an old classic like beer pong into juice pong……. Too much? How about a deck of cards, maybe take some cookies made into the shape of footballs or team logos and let them decorate with decorating pens. When all else fails or they need a little down time, make sure you have that portable DVD player handy with a couple of their favorite movies.

6. Food. Make sure there are plenty of kid friendly options available. Not every child will want hot wings or sausages off the grill. Make up some sandwiches (use themed cookie cutters for extra bonus points) and have some bowls of easy to snack on food that they will love, keep it within reach of little hands so they aren’t once again killing your buzz because they can’t reach the Chex Mix.

So there you have it, a few tips on making this football season a kid friendly one. Do you and your family tailgate each year? What tips and tricks can you share that will make game day just a little easier and a lot more fun?

We’ve probably all seen this: Fort Worth, TX, Teacher Brandy Young’s note to parents that her 2nd grade students would not be assigned regular homework, other than nightly reading, for the year. Mrs. Young wrote this letter after reviewing research indicating that elementary school aged kids don’t significantly benefit from completing nightly homework. Instead, Mrs. Young suggests that families do things that will have a lasting positive impact like play outside, read stories, have dinner together, and get to bed on time. You could almost hear the cheering from students and parents when this letter went viral. But, what does that mean for all the students not in Brandy Young’s 2nd grade class? Presumably, the majority of them will still be coming home with nightly homework and yet, that getting to bed on time thing seems pretty important. Here are some ideas for keeping elementary school homework in perspective so that it doesn’t become all-encompassing.

The general recommendation is that homework should take no longer than your child’s grade x 10 minutes. So, it’s recommended that a kindergartner have no take-home work (other than reading), a 1st grader – 10 minutes, a 2nd grader – 20 minutes, etc. This rule is endorsed by the National Education Association and the National Parent-Teacher Association. Parents of high schoolers might be surprised to learn that the recommendation extends all the way to senior year. A recent study published in The American Journal of Family Therapy found that kids generally receive three times more homework than recommended. If your child is coming home with more work than could be reasonably completed in the recommended amount of time or if it’s taking your child longer than expected to finish the work, talk with the teacher to determine what the problem might be. Is this work your child is failing to complete during class for some reason and, if so, why? Is your son taking longer than he should because he’s not grasping the concepts or getting too distracted while working? Chances are, no teacher expects your 7- year-old to spend hours on homework or to cry in frustration the whole time. If she does, some serious discussion is needed.

If the amount of homework sent home is appropriate for your child, it’s up to you to decide how your family will prioritize getting the work done. Sit down with your spouse or partner and rank what is most important for your kids. Hopefully, getting adequate sleep and having time together as a family will be higher than homework and that and joining every imaginable activity or sport will be lower. If you are careful not to overschedule your kids, there will be time to complete homework, attend activities, spend time together, and get to bed on time most days. Many families find that it’s helpful to set a cut-off time for homework each night so that kids can recover for bed. It’s recommended that kids not work on homework or use any screens for a full hour before bedtime to give their brains a chance to unwind. Of course, setting a cut-off time may mean that homework is occasionally left undone if the afternoon was particularly busy. Completing homework as soon as possible afterschool, preferably with a snack or play break beforehand, is one way to prevent this possibility. It may also be helpful to talk to the teacher about your policy that homework time has to stop by 7:00 p.m., finished or not. Explain that you will do your best to allow adequate time for the work but that it may be incomplete some days. Discuss how the teacher would like that handled. Should you send a note of explanation? Would he or she want your child to turn in the work a day late? Remember that you and your child’s teacher need to maintain a good working relationship. Even if you feel your child should have less or no homework, being overly aggressive in conversations with the teacher is likely to negatively impact that relationship and, ultimately, your child. There is also some benefit in your child seeing that sometimes he has to do things even if he (and you) don’t see the point in them – it’s good preparation for dealing with the DMV one day!

Once you’ve discussed your plan with the teacher, talk to your child about how homework time will fit into the daily schedule. You’ll probably have the most success if homework has to be completed before screen time and extracurricular activities. For some kids, having a homework cut-off time will be a hard sell – they’ll be really anxious about turning in late or incomplete work. Assuming the conversation with your kid’s teacher went well, assure your child that she won’t get into trouble and that her teacher understands she has to get enough sleep. If you’re able to keep homework in perspective, there’s a better chance your child will be able to, too. Elementary school homework isn’t going to make or break your kid’s academic career. Rather, it should offer a brief review to your child of what he learned during the school day, provide you with a summary of what the class is doing, and give the teacher a sense of how your kid is grasping concepts. These goals can often be accomplished even if only part of the work is finished. After all, most teachers would rather have happy, well-rested students than exhausted students who agonized for hours over work they didn’t understand.

Happy Homework Time!

About this column:
Send your parenting- and kid-related questions my way via email at: parentingwithaphd@gmail.com and I’ll tell you what I can: Please be aware that email is not a secure method of transmitting personal information so it’s best to keep your questions general. If your question is featured, your name and email will not be published. Submitting a question does not constitute a professional relationship in any way and this column is not meant to substitute for face-to-face therapy. If you feel you’re doing the best you can and still need help, it may be time to bring in a professional. Start by talking with your child’s pediatrician to get a referral.

About Kristen:

Kristen Berthiaume, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist with Grayson and Associates. She obtained her doctorate in clinical psychology from the University of Kentucky. She completed a predoctoral internship in clinical psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and a post- doctoral fellowship in the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorders (ADHD) Program at Duke University Medical Center. She specializes in providing assessment and treatment of children, adolescents, and families dealing with the following issues: ADHD, learning disorders, social skill deficits, organizational problems, behavioral difficulties, anxiety, and depression. She generally focuses on behavioral and cognitive- behavioral techniques, but maintains a flexible approach to therapy. Her other day job is as mom to her daughters, ages seven and one, and four-year-old son.