We’ve probably all seen this: Fort Worth, TX, Teacher Brandy Young’s note to parents that her 2nd grade students would not be assigned regular homework, other than nightly reading, for the year. Mrs. Young wrote this letter after reviewing research indicating that elementary school aged kids don’t significantly benefit from completing nightly homework. Instead, Mrs. Young suggests that families do things that will have a lasting positive impact like play outside, read stories, have dinner together, and get to bed on time. You could almost hear the cheering from students and parents when this letter went viral. But, what does that mean for all the students not in Brandy Young’s 2nd grade class? Presumably, the majority of them will still be coming home with nightly homework and yet, that getting to bed on time thing seems pretty important. Here are some ideas for keeping elementary school homework in perspective so that it doesn’t become all-encompassing.

The general recommendation is that homework should take no longer than your child’s grade x 10 minutes. So, it’s recommended that a kindergartner have no take-home work (other than reading), a 1st grader – 10 minutes, a 2nd grader – 20 minutes, etc. This rule is endorsed by the National Education Association and the National Parent-Teacher Association. Parents of high schoolers might be surprised to learn that the recommendation extends all the way to senior year. A recent study published in The American Journal of Family Therapy found that kids generally receive three times more homework than recommended. If your child is coming home with more work than could be reasonably completed in the recommended amount of time or if it’s taking your child longer than expected to finish the work, talk with the teacher to determine what the problem might be. Is this work your child is failing to complete during class for some reason and, if so, why? Is your son taking longer than he should because he’s not grasping the concepts or getting too distracted while working? Chances are, no teacher expects your 7- year-old to spend hours on homework or to cry in frustration the whole time. If she does, some serious discussion is needed.

If the amount of homework sent home is appropriate for your child, it’s up to you to decide how your family will prioritize getting the work done. Sit down with your spouse or partner and rank what is most important for your kids. Hopefully, getting adequate sleep and having time together as a family will be higher than homework and that and joining every imaginable activity or sport will be lower. If you are careful not to overschedule your kids, there will be time to complete homework, attend activities, spend time together, and get to bed on time most days. Many families find that it’s helpful to set a cut-off time for homework each night so that kids can recover for bed. It’s recommended that kids not work on homework or use any screens for a full hour before bedtime to give their brains a chance to unwind. Of course, setting a cut-off time may mean that homework is occasionally left undone if the afternoon was particularly busy. Completing homework as soon as possible afterschool, preferably with a snack or play break beforehand, is one way to prevent this possibility. It may also be helpful to talk to the teacher about your policy that homework time has to stop by 7:00 p.m., finished or not. Explain that you will do your best to allow adequate time for the work but that it may be incomplete some days. Discuss how the teacher would like that handled. Should you send a note of explanation? Would he or she want your child to turn in the work a day late? Remember that you and your child’s teacher need to maintain a good working relationship. Even if you feel your child should have less or no homework, being overly aggressive in conversations with the teacher is likely to negatively impact that relationship and, ultimately, your child. There is also some benefit in your child seeing that sometimes he has to do things even if he (and you) don’t see the point in them – it’s good preparation for dealing with the DMV one day!

Once you’ve discussed your plan with the teacher, talk to your child about how homework time will fit into the daily schedule. You’ll probably have the most success if homework has to be completed before screen time and extracurricular activities. For some kids, having a homework cut-off time will be a hard sell – they’ll be really anxious about turning in late or incomplete work. Assuming the conversation with your kid’s teacher went well, assure your child that she won’t get into trouble and that her teacher understands she has to get enough sleep. If you’re able to keep homework in perspective, there’s a better chance your child will be able to, too. Elementary school homework isn’t going to make or break your kid’s academic career. Rather, it should offer a brief review to your child of what he learned during the school day, provide you with a summary of what the class is doing, and give the teacher a sense of how your kid is grasping concepts. These goals can often be accomplished even if only part of the work is finished. After all, most teachers would rather have happy, well-rested students than exhausted students who agonized for hours over work they didn’t understand.

Happy Homework Time!

About this column:
Send your parenting- and kid-related questions my way via email at: parentingwithaphd@gmail.com and I’ll tell you what I can: Please be aware that email is not a secure method of transmitting personal information so it’s best to keep your questions general. If your question is featured, your name and email will not be published. Submitting a question does not constitute a professional relationship in any way and this column is not meant to substitute for face-to-face therapy. If you feel you’re doing the best you can and still need help, it may be time to bring in a professional. Start by talking with your child’s pediatrician to get a referral.

About Kristen:

Kristen Berthiaume, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist with Grayson and Associates. She obtained her doctorate in clinical psychology from the University of Kentucky. She completed a predoctoral internship in clinical psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and a post- doctoral fellowship in the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorders (ADHD) Program at Duke University Medical Center. She specializes in providing assessment and treatment of children, adolescents, and families dealing with the following issues: ADHD, learning disorders, social skill deficits, organizational problems, behavioral difficulties, anxiety, and depression. She generally focuses on behavioral and cognitive- behavioral techniques, but maintains a flexible approach to therapy. Her other day job is as mom to her daughters, ages seven and one, and four-year-old son.

Approximately 160,000 students are absent from school each day nationwide due to fears of being bullied. The impact can be devastating on a child’s self esteem, academic performance and overall health.

The statistics surrounding the number of children who are bullied, are heartbreaking. If you’re facing this already this school year… Try some of these tips.

1. Be your Child’s Go-To Person. Make sure your child always feels safe telling you about incidents at school, at play in the neighborhood, at church/Sunday school, or even at home from the other parent or a sibling. I know a family that goes around the dinner table and everyone (parents and children alike) share the best thing that happened during the day and the worst thing that happened during the day. This helps everyone learn to appreciate and really notice when someone is kind and opens a door for them, or plays with them on the playground. To illustrate that no one is exempt from rudeness or bullying, other family members should share with their child/children bad situations at work or when they were young. Exploring how to handle the “bad” situations can be a teaching/learning moment for all members of the family.

2. Parents, don’t be an inadvertent bully. If the parent is constantly saying things that make a child feel bad about themselves, this is form of bullying. You may hear yourself saying, “I know you can get better grades.” But the child may be hearing only, “I’m stupid and won’t ever be able to please anyone.” Listen to what you say often to your child and make sure you aren’t behaving in a manner that would not be acceptable behavior from others.

3. Discuss what actions can be considered bullying. Help your child see that bullying can be words, actions, ignoring someone, giggling and pointing. Discuss ways to positively respond to each instance.

4. Welcome your child’s friends into your home. Perhaps even invite their whole family to a cookout or other event so that you can get to know the parents. If any of the friends seem to have an unusual amount of power over your child, you may need to help your child see that this person is not a true friend if everything always has to be their way.

5.  Stop sibling bullying. Sometimes the bullying is being done by a sibling. If one child seems to have dominance over another child, sit down immediately and let them know that this behavior will NOT be tolerated. Make sure to follow through and discipline the bully when you see this happening either in the way she/he treats their sibling. Also make sure the child being bullied feels safe in coming to you.

6. Discipline your children appropriately if you see them doing or saying (or texting) something that you don’t consider kind. That way others–teachers, other parents or day care workers, etc.–don’t have to become the disciplinarian.

When your child gets a little older, you also have to keep in mind these next tips.

8. Understand cyber-bullying. One of the newest arenas where a child can feel helpless against what is being said or shown in pictures about them is online. Make sure to carefully monitor screen time in a way that feels protective to your child and not intrusive. The more conversations you have with your kids about what occurs online, the more likely they will be able to talk to you about what’s going on. Take every opportunity to teach them how to manage themselves in confusing situations.

9. Learn the latest lingo. This includes verbal, texting and online slang. Do you know that CD9 means parents are around and that 99 means parents have left? Your child may be hiding something that can lead to poor self-esteem, depression, even suicide.

10. Remember the Golden Rule. “Do onto others as you would have them do onto you” is still great advice. A friend’s child was having trouble on the school bus with one particular boy. The mother suggested that this child might not know the right way to be a friend. So the child being bullied went out of his way to be extra nice to the bully. Once the bully realized there was a different way to act, the two children became real friends.

While nothing will totally stop bullying, at least by putting into practice some of these tips, I hope you can make the consequences for your child less damaging.

Thank you to Thomas Weck for these tips.

Thomas Weck is a creative and captivating national award-winning author of children’s books, including the popular Lima Bear Stories Series: The Megasaurus, How Back-Back Got His Name, The Cave Monster, The Labyrinth and Bully Bean. Learn more at LimaBearPress.com.

By: Justin Scarsella

Every summer our Leadership Team has a unique opportunity to work with a local summer camp that serves boys and girls who have or have had cancer. As I was watching our students interacting with this group, I took a moment to reflect on how far these students have come – not just in their Tae Kwon Do training, but as they are growing into strong young ladies and gentlemen. I see Kate, who seemingly not that long ago, started her first day of Tae Kwon Do. Not much taller than the front desk, she shyly looked at the floor when she received her first crisp, white uniform. Now, years later, here she is, a contributing member of our Leadership Team – yelling loudly as she breaks her boards in front of her impressed audience. Not only is she showing confidence in herself, but she is also encouraging a little boy who has never tried kicking a target before. She is building him up the same way she was encouraged to do her best – step-by-step, with lots of praise and a friendly smile!

It is truly a long-term process for a child to grow up confident and strong. With my 20 plus years of experience of working with thousands of students, I have a few techniques to give your child a boost in their self-esteem.

Praise your child’s efforts along with their successes.
When a child wins a trophy or passes an exam, it’s a great place to show how proud we are of their success. Or if a child does not succeed in the activity they wanted to, parents know to step in and reassure them and help them get back on their feet. But many times we miss the opportunity to praise along the way. When you praise the time, effort and attitude that a child puts forth toward a goal, you are setting them up for future success. As adults we know even things we put a lot of time and effort into don’t always work out. So by letting our children know they are doing the right thing by putting their best into their activity, they will feel stronger about the outcome no matter if it is successful or not. It also starts to ingrain the hardworking mentality for their next activity.

Talk about your child to others – in front of them.
When you have the opportunity to praise your child’s successes and efforts to your peers, while your child is in earshot, this can be one of the impactful reinforcements you can give to your child. Next time you are talking with a friend on the phone or in person, use that opportunity to talk about your child’s effort and see the instant change that happens!

Get them involved in a long-term activity.
Seasonal sports and activities can teach a child some great character development skills like cooperation & teamwork. Many teams and seasonal activities get very focused on winning, so much so that it means late night practices 5 days a week for 7 year olds. While winning should be a goal of a team, it shouldn’t be everything. Getting your child involved in a year-long activity like Tae Kwon Do, gymnastics or scouts may focus more time on building physical skills along with mental and emotional development. A program that runs all year round has a unique effect on children because it is always part of their routine. With long-term consistency children see their progress and get comfortable enough in their surroundings to push themselves and step outside of their comfort zone. These outcomes will give a true long-term confidence boost to help them feel comfortable in their own skin. When picking a year-long activity, make sure you find a good program where the instructors look at students for their own potential instead of comparing them to other students. There should be no one that “sits on the bench” or is forced to progress faster than they should. A flexible year-long program also allows for children to still incorporate a seasonal activity when it’s that time of the year.

About the author – Justin Scarsella is the owner and operator of World Class Tae Kwon Do on Valleydale Road. He has worked with thousands of children in the Birmingham community over the years. Master Scarsella’s World Class Tae Kwon Do focuses on empowering their students will valuable skills for daily life and contributing to a safe and peaceful community.

Master Scarsella’s is located at: 268 Inverness Center Drive (on Valleydale Road just off of Highway 280), Birmingham, AL 35242
Phone: (205) 981-9636