If your child has ever been victimized by another kid, you won’t be surprised to learn that 1 out of 4 kids in grades 6-10 admits to doing at least some bullying. And those are the ones who admit to it… There are many red flags that your kid is bullying and you’ve probably heard many before: getting into physical fights; threatening or intimidating a sibling or playmate; having a poor relationship with parents and teachers; frequently pushing limits and boundaries; witnessing or being victimized by violence or emotional abuse in the home. All of these issues warrant intervention immediately because bullying is associated with all kinds of negative consequences for your child from disrupted friendships, and family and romantic relationships, to anger problems, depression, anxiety, and legal trouble. But, not all bullying is obvious or physically violent. Relational aggression is a kind of bullying in which harm is caused by damaging someone’s relationships or social status. What we typically think of as “mean girl” behavior, boys also engage in relational aggression. Some examples: spreading rumors, revealing crushes, talking behind someone’s back, getting others to exclude a particular kid, pretending to be a friend to another child while constantly putting her down, and withdrawing friendship as a way to control someone’s behavior. Cyberbullying often falls into this category. Relational aggression can start much earlier than we think so it’s a good idea to monitor your child’s social world early. Here are 5 more subtle signs that your kid might be bullying (and what to do about them):

1. He is constantly critical of others, even in your presence. He name calls, condescends, or derides people. This is especially concerning if your child is disparaging towards younger kids or individuals with special needs. Your son may be talking this way because of his own insecurities or he may have trouble identifying with others and putting himself in their place. Either way, it’s important to get to the bottom of what’s going on and to give him feedback about how others view him when he does this.

2. She jokes about leaving someone out or putting someone in his/her place. She shows pride that she made someone feel bad or did something to make another kid stop trying to interact with her. When you hear her talk like this, ask her about a time she was left out and discuss why it feels important to her to do that to someone else. Help her understand that she doesn’t have to seek out a particular child she dislikes but that actively excluding that child is hurtful. Note: it’s not relational aggression if your daughter stood up for herself because someone else was annoying or harassing her but you’d likely have heard about the situation ahead of time in this case.

3. Another parent contacts you to say that your child is bothering/harassing/excluding/teasing/bullying her child. In some cases, the other child or parent is being overly sensitive or responding to a one-time incident. But, it’s important to keep an open mind and not assume that the way your child behaves in your presence is how he behaves outside of your presence. Ask your child about the issue and get his side. If everyone isn’t on the same page, check with involved adults at school to get the full story and work on a solution together.

4. Your child has a friend who seems to do whatever your child tells him to do. If you notice that your son seems to be overly dominant in a particular friendship, talk with him about that dynamic. He may sense that he has more “power” than this friend, whether due to popularity, looks, athletic ability, social skills, whatever, and is using it to gain advantage. Try to help your child understand how it would feel to be the friend. Give specific examples of the ways your child seems to be taking advantage and discuss whether the relationship can continue in a more healthy way or needs to end.

5. You hear your daughter and her friend joking negatively with each other and it makes you cringe. If your kid and her “friend” call each other names; say things like, “I hate you!”; and seem to have major fights or break-ups, they could be in a toxic relationship. There doesn’t have to be only one aggressor and one victim. Talk to your daughter alone and tell her your concerns. Don’t accept the excuse, “That’s how everyone talks!” Discuss how sometimes people secretly believe mean things said to them – even if in jest. Talk about the sort of person your daughter ultimately wants to be – mean and unapproachable or kind and positive? She should absolutely express negative emotions with friends when she is upset with them but the negative joking is likely to tear down versus build up her relationships.

October is National Anti Bullying Month, check back next week for Part 2. of this article giving you 5 more signs to watch for if you think your child might be bullying.

About Kristen:

Kristen Berthiaume, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist with Grayson and Associates. She obtained her doctorate in clinical psychology from the University of Kentucky. She completed a predoctoral internship in clinical psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and a post- doctoral fellowship in the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorders (ADHD) Program at Duke University Medical Center. She specializes in providing assessment and treatment of children, adolescents, and families dealing with the following issues: ADHD, learning disorders, social skill deficits, organizational problems, behavioral difficulties, anxiety, and depression. She generally focuses on behavioral and cognitive- behavioral techniques, but maintains a flexible approach to therapy. Her other day job is as mom to her daughters, ages seven and one, and four-year-old son.