Working Mommy Madness: The Case for Selfishness

By Harmony Hobbs:

Ladies, we need to make time for ourselves. It’s vital to our survival.

Recently, I had a bit of a meltdown. Okay … fine. I completely and totally LOST IT. I reached the end of my rope. I took a trip to crazy town. I was, in sum, burned out.

My husband recently got a new job. It’s a very good job, and he’s very good at it. However, January thru April is the busiest time for them, and he works really long hours. Like, doctor-long. The only day we really get to see him is Sunday. This situation has posed several challenges, namely the fact that I have been taking care of cooking, cleaning, and the majority of childcare, pretty much on my own. All while working full-time. And, to compound the craziness, I’m pregnant.

To all you single mothers out there, I have been humbled. You kick ass. Seriously.

We knew when he took this job that this would happen. The insanity is temporary. So for the past 3 months I’ve hunkered down and muddled through, trying really, really (REALLY) hard not to complain. We have a comfortable life, but not the kind of comfortable that would allow me to hire a maid. Or a cook. Or … a therapist. It’s been rough, but I thought I was doing alright. I’ve been managing to keep things under control by rushing through my days and tasks, as fast as a waddling person can rush.

I haven’t had a crying fit at work yet. I thought that meant I was doing well. But then I found myself wondering how bad it would be, really, if I simply stopped showering. And then the day came when I just couldn’t do it anymore and I completely freaked out on my husband — and realized I hadn’t taken time for myself since well before Christmas.

That might be a record.

It was time for a little selfish spending. Some guilt-free time away from my family. Some ME time. Not a trip to the grocery store by myself. Not time in the house alone so I can put laundry away.  I needed a night out with girlfriends, a pedicure, or some other kind of girly frivolity. I needed my husband to step up and take over so I could leave the house and not have to rush home at a specific time.

He did. And it was glorious.

There is something healing in reconnecting with yourself. Our identities are so tied up in our families and our jobs – whether working in or out of the home – and what we mean to other people that it can all become muddled.  Frankly, I started to feel lost. I dislike feeling like my identity is slipping from my grasp. It makes me anxious. Going out in public sans diaper bag, without having to remind a wiggling child to “SIT DOWN OR I’LL TAKE YOU OUTSIDE AND SPANK YOUR LITTLE BUTT” or shout over high-pitched screeching healed my soul.

I felt ready to face life again.

It can seem impossible to find time for yourself, or find the money in your budget to do a little something just for you. It’s so easy to recite all the reasons why it’s not possible to do X, Y, or Z.

But listen up.

Are you listening?

YOU HAVE TO. No one else is going to do it for you. Your husband might be supportive, but he probably won’t know that you are burned out unless you are screaming it at him. Men, as hard as they may try, will never fully understand our emotional needs.

In one week, I managed to participate in Girl’s Night Out, indulge in a pedicure, and take a trip to the mall all by myself. Free of guilt. That’s right. All in one week. It felt fabulous. I returned from those outings in a much better place.  I plan to cut down the grocery bill somehow so I can make pedicures a regularity before I completely lose sight of my feet in a few months.

I maintain that a degree of selfishness is what keeps mothers from being institutionalized. It’s a shame, really. All the work I’ve put into being unselfish, down the drain. But you know, straightjacket white is really not my color.

Harmony blew into Birmingham after Hurricane Katrina and is a self-proclaimed “never home maker” striving for a balance between her career and family life. Visit her blog Working Mommy Madness to read more!