Parenting with a PhD: School Safety

By: Kristen Berthiaume

It’s been over a month since the horrible tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary School, and many of us parents are still feeling pretty powerless. We send our kids to school each morning with a big hug and silent prayers that it’s just a normal day. Fortunately, there is more that we can do to help promote safety at our children’s schools. Consider some of these ideas:

Open Communication. Most serious incidences of violence at schools came with some kind of advanced warning. We can teach our children to take threats of violence seriously and to tell an adult right away if they see or hear something that makes them nervous. Say to your child, “You can tell me anything – even if it’s awful or I won’t like it – and I’ll do my best to help you.” But, once you’ve said this, you have to mean it. As much as possible, react calmly to the minor things your child tells you so that, if he has something major to tell you, he won’t fear your reaction. Also, identify a few adults at school who your child trusts that he could go to if he had a concern. Talk about the kinds of warning signs that might indicate violence: a friend bringing a knife to school, a kid obsessed with getting revenge, someone talking about having access to a gun. Then, praise your child for telling you something he thinks is important even if it seems pretty trivial. Check in on what’s going on with peers. How much teasing or bullying has your child witnessed? Is anyone doing these things to him? Use your judgment to decide if you need to step in or tell a teacher or administrator what your child is reporting. Real threats of harm, whether they come from another student or your own child, should be taken seriously. Every. Single. Time.

Be Present at School. Form relationships with your child’s teachers and the school administrators. Make sure they know your face. This practice will help improve communication about your child and will make you feel more comfortable talking to the school about safety concerns you have. It also sends your child the message that you’ll be around and in touch. Also, be open to feedback from the school. Even if you don’t see a problem and your child denies it, listen to what the school is telling you and try to work with them on a plan. Our kids don’t always admit that they’re being bullied and they’re even less likely to fess up to hurting others. No matter how difficult the feedback is to hear, things will likely get much worse if you disregard what you’re being told about your child.

Ask About the Safety Plan. Not sure what to ask? Try some of the questions suggested on this site:  Notice item #10, which is directed back at you. Do you follow safety protocols at your school (e.g., not letting others in the building if they’re supposed to show i.d., always signing in, etc.)? Do you ask questions of the teachers and administrators in an open, non-judgmental way? Are you addressing safety issues at home? You have the right to expect the school to do its part but have to do your own, as well. Once you know about your school’s safety plan, be sure to go over it with your kids to ensure they understand and remember it. Run through a couple of different scenarios like being in the bathroom or cafeteria when a code is called. Don’t make this a daily discussion , though – you don’t want to freak them out.

Limit Exposure to Violence. No, you haven’t missed a major announcement – no casual link between video game violence and actual violence has been established. There is concern, though, that repeated exposure to violent movies, T.V., and games may desensitize kids to violence in real-life, making them more tolerant of violence and giving them the impression that violence is more commonplace than it really is. These consequences are even more likely when a child is exposed to real-life violence. Consider movie and game ratings. Monitor what your child is looking at online by putting parental controls in place and keeping computers in a central location so it’s harder for your child to conceal what he’s doing. Frequently check the search history and talk with your child about anything that concerns you. Explain that you’re putting these limits in place to protect your child’s brain from things he’s not ready for or that might be too disturbing. Certainly, all kids don’t react to exposure to violent media the same way and many can distinguish easily between virtual and real-life violence; however, there are benefits for all kids when exposure to violent media (and, really all media) is limited. For example, limiting media, violent or otherwise, leaves more time to play outside, read, and interact – all of which can help inoculate your kiddo against perpetrating and being victimized by violence.

Prevent Access to Weapons. Duh. You know your child shouldn’t have unsupervised access to something that might be used as a weapon and certainly that she can’t bring such items to school. But, it’s important that we don’t overestimate our ability to secure potential weapons or underestimate our kids’ ability to get to them. When it comes to properly securing guns, use guidelines such as those found here. Adult scissors, knives, and tools should only be handled by older, mature children and under careful supervision. After use, they should be stored in an inaccessible place or, if your child is prone to aggression, in a locked cabinet or drawer. It’s also crucial to talk with your child about what could happen if she took something to school that appeared to others to be a weapon – even if she meant no harm. What if the item was discovered and she was suspended or expelled? What if someone else got ahold of and used it? How would her peers treat her in the future if they thought she was trying to bring a weapon on school grounds? How would her teachers and administrators react?

Get Help. If there is physical or emotional abuse going on in your home, get help immediately. Research shows that kids who live in homes where there is domestic violence are more likely to perpetrate and be victimized by violence in other settings (e.g., school), regardless of whether they are actually being hurt or only witnessing the violence. This goes for overly harsh punishments and emotional or verbal abuse, too. Kids in these situations are also more likely to have a multitude of other social and emotional problems. You can find the number for reporting child abuse in your area by calling Childhelp at 1-800-4-A-CHILD. You should tell your child’s pediatrician right away if you know of or suspect domestic violence and he or she can help you get therapy started. Kids with any history of violent or overly aggressive behavior are also in need of treatment. Seek emergency services for your child if he expresses violent thoughts against himself or others. Don’t ignore threats, even if you think they’re just for attention. These warnings signs may well escalate into action if left unaddressed. Once treatment is started, stick with it until things are better. You can break the cycle of violence but not by sticking your head in the sand. Safety starts in the home so take care of this part first.

About this column: Send your parenting- and kid-related questions my way and I’ll tell you what I can: parentingwithaphd@gmail.com Please be aware that email is not a secure method of transmitting personal information so it’s best to keep your questions general. If your question is featured, your name and email will not be published. Submitting a question does not constitute a professional relationship in any way and this column is not meant to substitute for face-to-face therapy. If you feel you’re doing the best you can and still need help, it may be time to bring in a professional. Start by talking with your child’s pediatrician to get a referral.

Kristen Berthiaume, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist with Grayson and Associates (www.graysonmentalhealth.com). She obtained her doctorate in clinical psychology from the University of Kentucky. She completed a predoctoral internship in clinical psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and a post- doctoral fellowship in the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorders (ADHD) Program at Duke University Medical Center. She specializes in providing assessment and treatment of children, adolescents, and families dealing with the following issues: ADHD, learning disorders, social skill deficits, organizational problems, behavioral difficulties, anxiety, and depression. She generally focuses on behavioral and cognitive- behavioral techniques, but maintains a flexible approach to therapy. Her other day job is as mom to her six-year-old daughter and two-year-old son, and as incubator to a third kiddo.