By Kristen Berthiaume:
Ample research shows that our kids have a pretty high level of stress and that it can take a toll. When I hear about some kids’ schedules, I’m amazed they’re not downing coffee by the pot-full during piano practice. There are a lot of reasons our kids are stressed out – school is so academic, most time is spent indoors, schedules are busy, sleep is scarce, social situations are complicated – this is giving me a headache. Childhood is often romanticized as a stress-free time full of rainbows and unicorns but that’s really not the case. Childhood is scary. You have little say in what you do all day and virtually no control over your environment. Even when kids are given some choice, they usually get some messages from adults about which option is best. You may have noticed signs of stress in your own kids – irritability, difficulty tolerating frustration, tearfulness, trouble sleeping, stomachaches. Of course, these behaviors can also indicate other issues but considering your child’s stress level is a good place to start.
One of the reasons that we have stressed out kids is that we are stressed out adults. (Reading this article is probably stressing you out – sorry about that!) Stress is one of the most contagious conditions out there – even worse than that December flu epidemic. Just think about how your own blood pressure rises when a colleague walks by you and huffs (you know – that over-exaggerated sigh we do in frustration, probably because we’ve been too stressed out to breathe consistently…). Your kids are by no means immune to taking on your stress; in fact, because strong emotions can be difficult for them to understand and kind of scary, they’re particularly susceptible to “catching” stress. What can you do about this? Manage your own stress level. Take stock of the factors that contribute to you being stressed out. Are you saying yes to too much? Doing the work of three employees at your job? In a tense relationship? What steps can you take to decrease stress? Sometimes getting enough sleep is all it takes. Other times, you might decide to seek professional help. Whatever is needed – understand that managing your stress level is not selfish or frivolous. Managing your stress level will help you be a better (read as: “less yell-y”) parent and a happier, more engaged person. You will also be modeling a very crucial skill for your child – handling stress calmly and putting things in perspective.
Your family’s schedule can also increase the stress germs flying around your house. If someone has an activity every night of the week (and you don’t have a full staff of professional chefs, maids, and chauffeurs at your disposal), everyone else will be affected, too. Minimize this as much as possible by limiting how many activities each child can participate in per semester. Your son wants to play violin but is also interested in art classes? Great! He can do violin this semester and switch to art next semester if he still wants to. If you feel it’s important for your child to stick with one activity so he can “specialize,” that’s fine but the price is that he may not be able to do much else. Consider the costs and benefits of your child being full-force into a particular activity (e.g., travel soccer). Does he enjoy it enough to do it three hours every day after school? Does the intense schedule mean that other family members can’t do things they love? Is it interfering with schoolwork or social interaction? Seek balance among the different factors in your child’s life and don’t get caught up in the “all in” messages you may get from coaches or other parents. If your child is meant to be a world-famous musician, the motivation to get there will come from him – not from you falling all over yourself to force him to practice. Although societal messages might make you feel like the laziest parent ever, giving your kid free time (a.k.a., non-scheduled, non-screen time) is actually very, very good for him. Down time gives your kid a chance to use his imagination, to problem-solve, to take things apart, to go outside, to entertain himself. These are gifts you can give him far greater than a new pair of cleats.
Another area to consider is what I’ll call “fluff stress” – stress caused by tasks that a purportedly for your child but really, really don’t matter. Examples: hand-making individualized Valentine’s gifts according to tastes and personalized for each child in the class; preparing four-course meals on a Tuesday night; monogramming your daughter’s underwear (this is a thing. I checked). Sure, if you have nothing but time and money to burn – knock yourself out! But, if accomplishing these tasks literally does knock you out because you stay up all night, spend a fortune, and obsess about every detail until the entire process takes 30 hours – you’re stressing yourself out for something that’s not going to matter much at all in the grand scheme of things. While it’s fun to explore what’s out there and pin different ideas, we can’t hold ourselves to the same standards as professional designers and party planners for whom creating items on Pinterest is their FULL TIME JOB. You already have at least a couple of full time jobs – there is no more time. If these kinds of tasks feel necessary to you, consider hiring out some of the labor. When you realize how much it costs to pay someone else to do these fluff tasks you were once doing on your own for hours and hours, you might decide to skip them entirely. I’m doubting your kids will even notice if they don’t have an Arbor Day gift for their teacher.
You can’t magically make stress go away for your kids but these and other strategies like exercise, sleep, talking openly about your feelings, and positive encouragement can certainly help. The goal should be to reduce unnecessary stress and then help your child learn to manage the necessary stress (e.g., preparing for a test, confronting a friend who hurt her feelings, moving to a new city, etc.). Help your child create and practice positive and encouraging self-talk to deal with stress. “I can handle this. I’ve done this kind of thing before.” Teach her to use deep breathing and relaxation exercises to calm down. A fun app that makes managing stress easier for the whole family is Smiling Mind, which provides brief, soothing meditations geared towards different developmental levels from ages 7 through adulthood. Bonus: the narrator has an Australian accent, which is pretty fun. The app tracks how many minutes you meditate and you can earn badges for each program you complete. Kids LOVE badges! This is a great practice first thing in the morning to get the day started off right or before bed to calm everyone down. If the kids like this, they might also enjoy kid yoga classes like the ones offered at Villager Yoga and other local studios.
Whatever strategies you choose, you’ll be showing your kids that managing stress is an important priority and one worth the time it takes. Plus, you’ll be less yell-y.
About this column: Send your parenting- and kid-related questions my way and I’ll tell you what I can: parentingwithaphd@gmail.com Please be aware that email is not a secure method of transmitting personal information so it’s best to keep your questions general. If your question is featured, your name and email will not be published. Submitting a question does not constitute a professional relationship in any way and this column is not meant to substitute for face-to-face therapy. If you feel you’re doing the best you can and still need help, it may be time to bring in a professional. Start by talking with your child’s pediatrician to get a referral.
Kristen Berthiaume, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist with Grayson and Associates. She obtained her doctorate in clinical psychology from the University of Kentucky. She completed a predoctoral internship in clinical psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and a post- doctoral fellowship in the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorders (ADHD) Program at Duke University Medical Center. She specializes in providing assessment and treatment of children, adolescents, and families dealing with the following issues: ADHD, learning disorders, social skill deficits, organizational problems, behavioral difficulties, anxiety, and depression. She generally focuses on behavioral and cognitive- behavioral techniques, but maintains a flexible approach to therapy. Her other day job is as mom to her daughters, ages seven and one, and four-year-old son.
