By Kristen Berthiaume:
Happy New Year! Don’t we all love the “starting fresh” feeling that comes around now? We’ve survived the holiday craziness and have but to enjoy a night out (or, for many of us, in) to reflect on the past year and plan for the next 365 days. And, with that planning usually comes the formation of New Year’s Resolutions. Although they’re often forgotten by January 2nd (or by the afternoon of January 1st, depending on what exactly you were toasting with…), there’s something about the process that reminds us that, no matter our age, we can still make changes (or at least plan for making changes).
This year, why not try making Family New Year Resolutions? The fun thing about making changes as a family is that everyone can hold each other accountable for sticking to them. The terrible thing about making changes as a family is that everyone can hold each other accountable for sticking to them. So, before you try this, consider what’s doable and won’t drive anyone crazy. Think about improvements that would increase your quality time together, make for less chaotic mornings, and decrease the overall stress level in the house. If the resolutions you make lead to more busyness, frustration, and tears, drop them. Quick.
You can make creating Family Resolutions a part of your New Year’s celebration (seriously, how likely are you to find a babysitter anyway?). Talk about why people make resolutions – to challenge themselves and better parts of their lives. Let family members suggest areas for improvement and make a list of reasonable goals. Consider these goals to be aspirational – something to shoot for but not house rules that you’re punished for breaking. For example, you might decide to try and eat dinner as a family at least three nights a week or spend less each day so you can go on a longer vacation in the summer. Once your resolutions are written, make a plan for how you’ll remember and encourage following each one. A poster would be great for keeping the resolutions visible and on everyone’s minds. You might decide to do a weekly check-in on how everyone’s doing with the resolutions or you may just try to point out when someone’s making good efforts with them.
Since kids usually do better with short-term goals, consider having resolutions that change week-to-week so the plan will be fresh in memory and no one will get burned out doing the same thing every day. A fun way to do this would be to have a Resolutions Jar that contains several options – hang up your towel, help one person a day, try a new vegetable – and have a weekly drawing. Whichever resolution you draw is the one you work on that week. Younger kids may be used to doing this for classroom jobs already. Consider having a special family activity for a reward at the end of the week if everyone made good efforts. This method may or may not lead to long-term change but it will increase the behavior, at least in the short-term, and might, eventually, lead to an overall improvement in the area.
Finally, here’s one resolution to consider making yourself. Resolve to accept who you are as a parent and stop comparing yourself to parents who are more involved, keep a cleaner house, make cartoon characters with their kids’ lunch, or dress like they’re headed to Fashion Week. Keep being the best parent you can for your kids and try to shut the other stuff out. Sometimes, resolutions aren’t about making changes or improving. Sometimes they’re about accepting what you’re already doing and letting that be enough.
About this column: Send your parenting- and kid-related questions my way and I’ll tell you what I can: parentingwithaphd@gmail.com Please be aware that email is not a secure method of transmitting personal information so it’s best to keep your questions general. If your question is featured, your name and email will not be published. Submitting a question does not constitute a professional relationship in any way and this column is not meant to substitute for face-to-face therapy. If you feel you’re doing the best you can and still need help, it may be time to bring in a professional. Start by talking with your child’s pediatrician to get a referral.
Kristen Berthiaume, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist with Grayson and Associates (www.graysonmentalhealth.com). She obtained her doctorate in clinical psychology from the University of Kentucky. She completed a predoctoral internship in clinical psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and a post- doctoral fellowship in the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorders (ADHD) Program at Duke University Medical Center. She specializes in providing assessment and treatment of children, adolescents, and families dealing with the following issues: ADHD, learning disorders, social skill deficits, organizational problems, behavioral difficulties, anxiety, and depression. She generally focuses on behavioral and cognitive- behavioral techniques, but maintains a flexible approach to therapy. Her other day job is as mom to her five-year-old daughter and 2-year-old son.
Great post, my wife and I always had our kids make resolutions. We felt it was a way to teach them commitment to something. We just read a great book I’d like to share with other parents called “Teaching Kids to Be Good People” by Annie Fox, M.Ed. You can check her and the book out on the website http://www.anniefox.com/. It’s a wonderful read and I’d recommend it to anyone. Thanks again for the post.