By: Kristen Berthiaume

In case you haven’t noticed, the holidays are right around the corner.  Like, really soon.  Hopefully, you’ve started your various preparations.  If so, you may have noticed that no matter how many items you buy from your kid’s wish list, the list grows longer by the day.  What’s a parent trying to create the perfect holiday (but still hoping to feed the family come January) to do?  Here are some ideas for keeping things in perspective this holiday season.

 

Avoid commercials.  Children’s programs are chocked full.  I’m really not sure why shows bother with any content around this time a year – they’re just filler between commercials.  Often, your kids will see the same commercials over and over, virtually guaranteeing that those toys, which just happen to be among the most expensive and the most in need of assembly, will wind up on the wish list.  If your television system gives you the option of skipping ads, do it and teach your kids to fast forward commercials, too.  If not, use commercial time for potty breaks, clean up breaks, snack breaks – any kind of break you can think of that does not involve watching the ads.  If your kids do end up with some cheap plastic crap on their wish lists…

Manage wish list expectations.  Many parents worry that telling their kids in advance that Christmas might be a little light this year will create anxiety that the family is in financial trouble but managing wish list expectations is possible without causing panic.  When your child presents his five-page, single-space wish list written in Times New Roman size 9 font, feel free to compliment his organizational skills (and, maybe his imagination if he’s asked for something crazy like a trip to the North Pole or a share in your secret chocolate stash).  Then explain that he won’t be able to get everything on the list because it would cost a lot and there wouldn’t be room in your house for it all.  If you do the Santa thing, you can remind him that St. Nick has a lot of children to visit and can’t fit dozens of items for each one in his sleigh.  Also, talk about how hard it would be to enjoy each item if you got so much all at once.  Help your child prioritize some items from his list and, if possible, take those preferences into account as you finish up your shopping.  Not only is it O.K. to leave them wishing for more, it’s actually a good thing.  Getting everything we want doesn’t satisfy us – it only leaves us looking for the bigger and better.  Give your child something to continue hoping for (or, better yet, working or saving up for!).

Give and Get.  An idea that I loved from another article was this: for every item your child lists on her wish list, have her also write one idea for how she’s willing to help others like donating gently used toys or raking leaves for a neighbor, or how she’ll contribute to the family for the holidays.  She wants all eight Harry Potter books?  She’ll also need a list of eight kind things she can do for others.  Keep the helping list visible and check items off as your child does them.  Give her gentle reminders but, as much as possible, let her be responsible for actually seeking out others to help.  While you’re at it – make your own list.  I know you want stuff, too, and you’ll find opportunities to help every day.  Make this fun, not an obligation, and you’ll be surprised how into it your kids get!

Expand the meaning of “gift” to also mean “gifts.”  Letting your child use his talents to entertain and help others allows him to really participate in the giving process and is much more meaningful than just signing his name to a tag.  Think of things your child enjoys or is good at and find ways to “give” that skill to others.  Arts and crafts are always a hit but also consider whether your child might write a poem or story or sing or dance to a song as a gift to someone special.  Babysitting (when your child is old enough), cleaning up, assisting with a project, helping with a party, organizing an outing for younger kids, baking a treat: these are all free or low-cost gifts your child can give with a little planning and some supervision.  You can also consider having your child pay for a portion (a small portion) of the gifts he is giving others using his allowance money.  Younger kids often enjoy being included this way, although older ones tend to be a bit Scroogy (my gift to you is this made up word.  Feel free to use it as you like) with their money so don’t force the issue.

Try to avoid the “Santa knows” trap.  There are plenty of children out there who’ve done what they were supposed to most of the time – said please, cleaned up, tried their peas – but this good behavior won’t necessarily be reflected by what’s under the tree, depending on their family’s financial situation and philosophy on gift-giving.  Likewise, there are lots of kids – you may know a couple – who suddenly act like angels the week before Christmas but have been holy terrors the other 359 days of the year.  Many will, inevitably, be rewarded for their 168 hours of tolerable behavior with a mountain of the hottest toys.  If you go the “naughty or nice” route and run into a year where you can’t afford to give as much as usual or if your child’s friends get more than she does, she may interpret the lower toy to child ration to mean she’s being punished for bad behavior.  Deal with discipline issues as you do the rest of the year and let Christmas presents be about generosity – whether they come from you or the Big Guy in Red.

Take stock now – before it’s too late!  Your child’s room is about to be faced with an onslaught of new toys with literally thousands of tiny parts that break off and scatter to the four corners of the earth.  This is your only chance to assess what’s currently missing, broken, or unused before it’s buried under a heap of not-yet-but-soon-to-be missing, broken, or unused stuff!  Taking inventory now will help remove some clutter to make room for new items and clue you in to how your child is taking care of what he already has so you’ll know what new toys he might (or might not!!) be ready for.  Do the reconnaissance now – you’ll be glad you did!
Consider gifting experiences.  Think of the things your child is always asking to do (mine wants to go camping.  I am not a camper.  At least not a happy one) and give some of those this year.  Make a coupon book that your child can use during the year for various free or low-cost activities he’d enjoy.  For some activities (e.g., going on a nature hunt) you may have to include specific dates that the coupon can be used, depending on your schedule.  Need ideas for activities?  Be sure to check out the Birmingham Mommy weekly calendar!

On my Wish List for you and your family is a fun, stress-free (Low stress?  Lower-than-usual-stress?) holiday season and the knowledge that your kids will survive even if they don’t get thisonetoythateveryoneelseisgettingandIabsolutelymusthave.  And you’ll survive, too.  Focus on the things that are special about the holidays to you and, eventually, your kids will find that stuff important, too.  When you think back on your favorite holiday memories, they probably have little to do with the size of your toy pile or whether every item on your wish list was checked off, and more to do with being together with loved ones and having fun experiences.  The holidays don’t have to be cost a lot in order to be memorable and, in fact, often it’s the free, unplanned moments that end up meaning the most.

About this column: Send your parenting- and kid-related questions my way and I’ll tell you what I can: parentingwithaphd@gmail.com Please be aware that email is not a secure method of transmitting personal information so it’s best to keep your questions general. If your question is featured, your name and email will not be published. Submitting a question does not constitute a professional relationship in any way and this column is not meant to substitute for face-to-face therapy. If you feel you’re doing the best you can and still need help, it may be time to bring in a professional. Start by talking with your child’s pediatrician to get a referral.

Kristen Berthiaume, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist with Grayson and Associates (www.graysonmentalhealth.com). She obtained her doctorate in clinical psychology from the University of Kentucky. She completed a predoctoral internship in clinical psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and a post- doctoral fellowship in the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorders (ADHD) Program at Duke University Medical Center. She specializes in providing assessment and treatment of children, adolescents, and families dealing with the following issues: ADHD, learning disorders, social skill deficits, organizational problems, behavioral difficulties, anxiety, and depression. She generally focuses on behavioral and cognitive- behavioral techniques, but maintains a flexible approach to therapy. Her other day job is as mom to her five-year-old daughter and 2-year-old son.