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Parenting with a PhD: How to Make New Parenting Habits, Not Just Resolutions

Posted on by Angie

By: Kristen Berthiaume

We all know the old joke about New Year’s Resolutions – gyms are crazy crowded in January but empty by February. When we make Resolutions about our parenting (“Yell less, listen more!” “Put away the phone and enjoy my children,” “Eat something besides Goldfish for lunch”) we usually fall back into old patterns pretty quickly. Why? We’re creatures of habit. Plus, there’s probably a reason we were doing things the way we were doing them in the first place waaay back in December. Maybe you yell because your kids only listen when you do. Maybe you eat Goldfish for lunch because you literally do not have time to make yourself lunch. Wanting to make changes/do better/meet goals is great but without a realistic plan, we may be setting ourselves up for failure and disappointment. (New resolution: Buy more wine). Consider focusing on creating new parenting habits instead of just listing resolutions.

First, start small with just one or two changes. Focus on why you are making the change and write yourself some notes to help you keep site of the reasons. Keep those notes handy in case you need to refer back to them. For example, your goal may be to spend 10 minutes of quality, one-on-one time with each child each day. You might settle on this goal because you feel like all you do now is bark orders at them to get dressed, eat, get in the car, get out of the car, eat, undress, and go to bed. You (and your kids!) may be missing the connection that comes from just sitting and playing together. Second, look at the big picture to figure out what factors are maintaining the status quo (e.g., zero minutes of quality, one-on-one time with each child each day) and what it would take to change those factors. Busyness is probably Factor #1. Do you need to leave work 20 minutes earlier? Does bedtime need to be pushed back a little? Can the kids screen time be reduced? Be creative – the one-on-one time could happen while you’re doing something you’d have to do anyway like cooking dinner. Third, decide on a system for measuring success. A poster or calendar on the fridge is a great constant, visual reminder of your goal. Consider a system for keeping track of when you met your goal along with some notes about how it went and how everyone felt about it. Also, keep track of when you didn’t meet your goal and why that might have happened. If you have trouble remembering something you want to do daily, an alarm on your phone can be a big help. Fourth, ask others to keep you accountable. Having your spouse’s support, reminders, and help will go a long way towards staying on track with your goal. Get friends to check in on how things are going. Fifth, reflect regularly on how things are going. Talk with your spouse and kids about how you’re doing with your goal. For example, are the kids enjoying the one-on-one time? If so, what’s their favorite part? If not, why not? Check in that no other areas are suffering greatly as a result. Make changes if it doesn’t look like everyone is getting what they’re needing. Finally, celebrate your efforts even if they’re not perfect. With just about any goal, you’ll screw up some days. Forgive yourself. Try to focus on the long-term goal and feeling more connected with your child and less on checking a box each day.

Once you feel you’ve made a parenting practice a habit, move on to tackle a new challenge but have your spouse and/or kids let you know if the behavior starts to slide. The hardest habits are those that are really ingrained; for instance, some people are just yellers. But, even reducing parenting behaviors you don’t feel good about a little can make a big difference for you and your kids. Assess the problem carefully and from all sides, get a team of people to support you and hold you accountable (for really big problems like mental health and substance abuse issues, you’ll likely need a professional to be on this team. Talk your doctor for a referral), and track your progress honestly as you go. You probably won’t form any habits by January 2nd but you can at least make a start!

About this column: Send your parenting- and kid-related questions my way via email at: parentingwithaphd@gmail.com and I’ll tell you what I can: Please be aware that email is not a secure method of transmitting personal information so it’s best to keep your questions general. If your question is featured, your name and email will not be published. Submitting a question does not constitute a professional relationship in any way and this column is not meant to substitute for face-to-face therapy. If you feel  you’re doing the best you can and still need help, it may be time to bring in a professional. Start by talking with your child’s pediatrician to get a referral.

Kristen S. Berthiaume, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist

About Kristen:

Kristen Berthiaume, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist with Grayson and Associates. She obtained her doctorate in clinical psychology from the University of Kentucky. She completed a predoctoral internship in clinical psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and a post- doctoral fellowship in the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorders (ADHD) Program at Duke University Medical Center. She specializes in providing assessment and treatment of children, adolescents, and families dealing with the following issues: ADHD, learning disorders, social skill deficits, organizational problems, behavioral difficulties, anxiety, and depression. She generally focuses on behavioral and cognitive- behavioral techniques, but maintains a flexible approach to therapy. Her other day job is as mom to her daughters, ages seven and one, and four-year-old son.

 

Throwing an Out-of-Sight New Year's Eve Party….For Your Family!

Posted on by Angie

I think we’d all love a night out on the town every now and then.  And New Year’s Eve would be a great night to spend out in Birmingham.  But, if the sitter’s busy and you just can’t leave the house, why not throw your own New Year celebration in the comfort of your own home!  Here are some fun ideas to make it a cherished moment and maybe even a new tradition!

  • Decorate, decorate, decorate!  This might as well be as fun as it can be, so load up on balloons and streamers.  To keep it budget-friendly, limit it to one room.
  • Food.  Think fun, finger food that’s a little out of the norm – for me this means a step up (or two) from pizza bagel bites.  Wait a minute, who am I kidding – my kids would love bagel bites for appetizers!
  • Drinks!.  While the adults can enjoy their favorite champagne concoction, let the kids in on the fun with their own special drinks – try this Cotton Candy Shirley Temple – it will be the hit of the party!
  • Atmosphere – keep it fun.  Set up some games that are kid-friendly – pin the tail on the donkey, cornhole, card & board games – after all, the kids are going to have to try to stay up until midnight, better keep them occupied!
  • Another fun activity would be to construct your family time capsule for 2015 – pictures, mementos – your imagination is the limit. This will be a fun thing to look back on at your next family New Year party!
  • Have the pre-ball-drop show on the television & have some fun music playing softly in the background.  And dare we say it… dance-off!
  • Make it a pajama-party!  The kids might make it until midnight, but in case they don’t – they’re ready to nod off and wake up in 2016.
  • Party hats – buy a plain colored version and let the kids spend part of their evening decorating them! Don’t forget the glue, glitter, markers and whatever else you’d like.
  • Have the camera out and document! After all, these are the days….
  • And if you do all make it to midnight – don’t forget a great big family hug to ring in the New Year right!

Do you celebrate out or in when it comes to the New Year?

A New Year Fitness Makeover for Birmingham Moms

Posted on by Angie

Many of us make New Years Resolutions that involve our eating habits and working out. It’s a new year, we have a new attitude, and probably some new “lbs” that have taken up space in places that were clearly marked “No Vacancy.” So how do you get back into your routine after the holiday season has turned your normal eating and exercising plans upside down? Here are some tips on how to get back on track.

1:  Do it with a friend: if you have a partner in crime you are more likely to be held accountable.

2:  Don’t force yourself to go the gym 6 or 7 times a week, you must be realistic and not over do it in the beginning.  3 to 4 times will be sufficient in getting back on track.

3:  Try a class if you are not sure of what to do.  It needs to include all components of fitness to get the biggest bang for your buck.  You will need strength training, cardiovascular training, core conditioning and flexibility.  You can get that all in one class or boot camp.
4:  If you must weigh yourself or take measurements, do it once, then don’t do it again for at least a month of being consistent. If the scale does not move don’t be discouraged, you have probably just added some needed muscle to your body, but your inches should have changed. If not you may want to reevaluate the type of exercise you are doing. Don’t just focus on one thing like running or elliptical, you must also lift weights and have a good stretching program.  In the long run you will more likely keep weight off by adding muscle.

5:  Work out intensely!  It is better to do 30 minutes of hard work than 1 hour on an elliptical reading US weekly.

Busy Moms.. How do you make sure you get back on track after the New Year?

Bad Santa Photo Finalists

Posted on by Angie

Thank you all for making our 1st annual Bad Santa Photo Contest a huge success! We had an overwhelming response and had some really great photos submitted. Narrowing it down has been incredibly difficult, and you made us laugh daily with your submissions.

Here are our finalists – Winner will receive a mini-session.($200 value,) with local photographer, Hillary Gamble with Je Vois Photography. Includes 30 mins and your favorite 5 images on DVD with print rights. (Expires one year from issue date)

 

1.
Double the Awkward
Submitted By: Katie Collins

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2.
Noodle
Submitted By: Sara Ann Oatridge

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3.
He Sees you When your Sleeping
Submitted By: Lauren Pierson

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4.
Ho Ho, Oh No!
Submitted By: Jessica Dyson‎

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5.
Run! Save Yourself!
Submitted By: Christina Vella Haney

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Take a moment to vote (by leaving a comment on this post) for your favorite, our winner will be announced Tuesday, December 22nd.

 

December Happenings

Posted on by Angie

We know this is a crazy busy time of year for everyone.. But if you find yourself with a little bit of free time, here are some activities that will help you have a little fun, get into the holiday spirit and take your mind off that daunting and seemingly endless to-do list. Don’t forget to check our list of places to find Santa around Birmingham. You still have time!

Winter Wonderland – McWane Science Center

Winter Wonderland along with the Magic of Model Trains exhibit features many winter-inspired activities, holiday films in IMAX and visits from Santa.  For the sixth consecutive year, Royal Cup, Inc., a Birmingham-based coffee and tea distributor, is the presenting sponsor of the Winter Wonderland and the Magic of Model Trains exhibit.  “Especially during this time of year, Royal Cup supports initiatives that are family-oriented, and these sponsorships at McWane Science Center are a great example of that,” said Bill Smith, President and CEO of Royal Cup, Inc. “We look forward to Winter Wonderland and the Magic of Model Trains and hope all enjoy the holiday fun!”

Now Through January 10th

Zoolight Safari – Birmingham Zoo

Watch as the Zoo comes alive for 19 nights of holiday-centric fun at ZooLight Safari presented by Wells Fargo! New this year, enjoy the all-new Glacier Glide Ice Rink**. Glide past your friends and family on the ice skating rink in Trails of Africa!  Be amazed by light displays in this transformed winter wonderland. View over one million lights, listen to holiday music and delight in festive snowfalls every night! Enjoy a ride on the Candy Cane Train*, go for a spin on the Jingle Bell Carousel*, experience the thrill of the over 100 foot Yuletide Slide* and so much more. Every night at 6pm, watch a tree lighting ceremony with an illuminating tree reaching nearly 30 feet tall in Trails of Africa! Be sure not to miss a special appearance and photos with Santa through December 23. *Requires ride ticket. **Requires ride ticket and ice skates. The Glacier Glide Ice Rink is made of synthetic ice. Children under 5 must be accompanied by a skating adult.

Dates and Times:

5pm-9pm: December 4-6, 11-13, 17-23, 26-31

Festival of Lights – Oak Mountain Amphitheatre

A lifetime of holiday memories await you and your family at the Festival of Lights! There’s a little bit of Clark Griswald in all of us and no better way to get into the Holiday spirit – without the risk of frostbite – than to enjoy a dazzling display of lights in the shapes of holiday themes and characters from the comfort of your own car.

OPEN NIGHTLY THROUGH JANUARY 3RD! GATES OPEN AT 5:30PM EACH EVENING.

Shadrack’s Christmas Light Show – Birmingham Race Track

Come see over 3.25 miles of custom made displays dance to the music played over the radio in your car in perfect synchronization!  Also, see Santa and the gang on their summer vacation in the custom built Santa’s Safari theme of giant all-LED displays. They are guaranteed to delight everyone from young to old!

Dusk – 10pm, nightly through January 3rd. Rain or Shine, open on Holidays.

Holiday Film Series at the Alabama Theatre

For a complete schedule, visit their site

Kwanzaa Celebration – Birmingham Civil Rights Institute

The Birmingham Civil Rights Institute (BCRI) will celebrate the spirit of family and community with its annual Kwanzaa program. The event kicks off with a hands-on workshop in the Abraham L. Woods Community Meeting Room at 4:30 pm in the Odessa Woolfolk Gallery.  Additionally, the celebration will feature music, youth performances and nore.  Kwanzaa – which means “first fruits of the harvest” in Kiswahili – is an African American cultural holiday with a focus on the traditional African values of family, community responsibility, commerce, and self-improvement. It was founded in 1966 by Dr. Maulana Karenga and is celebrated December 26-January 1.

 

Cutout Christmas Tree Craft

Posted on by Angie

Here’s a cute and simple craft you can make this Christmas with your kiddos at home or if you’re hosting friends and kiddos over for a party or playdate, this is great because you can do as much of the prep work ahead of time that you want, or you can leave some of the hole punching for the kids.

What you need:

Green Card Stock
Card Stock in various colors (yellow if you want to punch out star)
hole punch
large circle punch (I used 2″ for the tree circles)
Glue Stick
Clothes Pins

What you’ll Do:

Punch out large circles to make your tree – 10 per tree
Glue together large circles doing a row of 4 on the bottom, then 3, then 2 and the last on top.
Punch out lots of little colorful holes for your ornaments and glue on randomly
Add your star – I used stickers this time but if you have a star punch, that’s easy too.
Attach your clothes pin at the bottom and stand up

Giveaways To Giftaway: Movie and Dinner, from Pieology

Posted on by Angie

We know you’re frantically trying to finish up your shopping and getting your errands done before the little ones are released into your care for 2 whole weeks over the holidays. So, this giveaway is a treat for you! For a date night or for grabbing a bite before a movie with your Bestie to celebrate making it out of the toy store alive and without causing bodily harm to others. (OR, if you’re looking to save a little cash, Re-Gift it, we won’t tell!)

We have 2 tickets to Carmike Cinemas that we’ve paired up with 2 pizzas from the pizza shop at the Summit, Pieology. They’re new, and they’re delish!!

How to enter:

1. Leave a comment here letting us know what movie you would like to see with these tickets.. (I personally would be seeing Sisters with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler)

2. Extra entry for another comment telling us your favorite pizza topping.

Take a moment to head over to the Pieology Facebook page and give them a like (just because they’re good guys and they’re pizza is so yummy!)

Giveaway will end Wednesday Night (December 9th) at 10pm. Winner will be notified via email and on our social media outlets.

Elf-on-the-Shelf for People Who Hate Elf-on-the-Shelf

Posted on by Angie

By: Kristen Bertiaume

I am not a big fan of Elf-on-the-Shelf (although I do kind of enjoy this and this). The central premise of the book – that Elf-on-the-Shelf will tell Santa if kids misbehave – bothers me for a few reasons. First, the Elf himself often misbehaves (Flour snow angels are kind of a mess) but is supposed to monitor the kids’ behavior, which is confusing to say the least. Second, the Elf monitoring system only works for one month a year, which can leave parents with no system of managing behavior for the remaining 11. Finally, and most problematic, the arrangement sets us up for making empty threat after empty threat. Would we really follow through with giving our kids no presents from Santa? Have any of you ever actually done this? I can say for sure that my kids will not be getting coal in their stockings, no matter how atrocious their behavior. For one, I have no idea where to find coal and don’t have the time or mental energy to go looking for it. Also, knowing my kids, they would find some exceedingly messy way to play with the coal and, as I’ve mentioned, I am not looking for messes. In the midst of opening up their mountains of presents, kids will come to realize that either the Elf didn’t mean it when he said he’d tell Santa on them or that Santa will bring the goods regardless. Consequently, behavior may be even worse next December.

In a perfect world, those who enjoy creating elaborate Elf scenes and posting pictures of them on Pinterest would do that and I’d just ignore the whole thing entirely. Unfortunately, my kids talk to other kids and have started this year desperately pleading for an Elf and wondering why friends have them but they don’t. Dilemma: Shatter all the magic of Christmas in one fell swoop or find a way to make Elf-on-the-Shelf work for our family. I chose the latter and we shall see how it goes. Here are the modifications I made in case you’re an Elf-on-the-Shelf hater who feels like you need to do Elf-on-the-Shelf for your kids. By the way, I totally support you in just straight up saying no to any of this Elf business.

I saw a post I liked recently about a different kind of Elf – a Kindness Elf – and decided to do an Elf-on-the-Shelf / Kindness Elf hybrid. Our Elf looks like an Elf on the Shelf but I didn’t buy the book with all the rules.

Our Elf “wrote” the kids a letter (see below) saying that he didn’t mind if they touched him but that he had to always be returned to the same spot before bed because he could only fly from certain places (I made this rule because I don’t need to be tearing apart the house to find that #$%& Elf every night!).

Our Elf doesn’t tell Santa anything. He does dash back to the North Pole at night to fetch Kindness Challenges printed on long strips of paper to present to the kids each morning. And, when he returns, he’s sitting somewhere new. Maybe he’ll occasionally do something helpful like load the dishwasher (since I’m going to be doing that anyway…).

Some sample challenges:

1) At school, give a compliment to someone;

2) Find out your mom’s least favorite chore and secretly do it for her (I never said this couldn’t be self-serving…);

and 3) Tell someone “Thank you” for something they have done for you recently.

There’s no “prize” for completing a challenge and no one’s in trouble if he or she doesn’t do one. But, completed challenges get stapled together to form a Kindness Chain so, obviously, the more the kids do, the longer the chain gets. The paper chain would be something fun to add to your Christmas tree or mantle so the kids can see their 25 days worth of kind deeds. This activity gives you a good jumping off point for discussing together why it’s important to do things for others, how it feels to be kind, and why kindness is particularly highlighted this time of year. Talk about how Santa embodies kindness and, if you’re Christian, how Jesus does, as well. Consider big, family-wide Kindness Challenges like serving at a soup kitchen, purchasing items for an Angel Tree, or saving money to send to a non-profit like Heifer Project International.

A couple of caviats. I don’t love doing things for my kids just because everyone else is doing it for theirs. However, it can be tricky to completely opt out of Elf-on-the-Shelf without totally spoiling Christmas magic if your kids feel hurt that their friends have an Elf but they don’t. Also, the deception required to convince your kids they’re being visited by Elves (and Santa for that matter) bothers me a bit. Once they know the truth – will they still trust us parents? If this concerns you, too, there are lots of ideas online
for how to tell kids the truth about Santa (and Elves, Flying Reindeer, etc.) when the time is right without losing their trust. I particularly like this idea.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it’s something you feel you have the resources for. The holidays are a crazy busy time and there’s A LOT of pressure on parents to give their kids the “Perfect Christmas,” which can be time-consuming, and expensive, and
exhausting. It might be a good idea to log out of Pinterest and decide on a mantra like “I can only do so much” to repeat to yourself. Traditions like Elf-on-the-Shelf, Kindness Elves, Santa, riding the Christmas train, or taking a tour of Christmas lights may seem like a lot of fun but you should only undertake them if they’re a good fit for your family. It’s more important to focus on enjoying each other and being kind and generous with your time, than to worry about if you’re doing all the things you’re “supposed” to do this Christmas.

 

Sample Letter:

Dear ___________ –

Merry December! I am so glad to be with you for the Christmas season – thanks for asking for me! You may have heard your friends talk about Elf-on-the-Shelf but I’m a bit different. I don’t tell on you to Santa if you make bad decisions (although I like to see you make good decisions). Your parents will work with you on your behavior. I also don’t make mischief because I know you wouldn’t want to clean up messes (and neither would your parents). Sometimes, I might do things to make you laugh, though. I am a very special kind of Elf – I’m a Kindness Elf. Kindness, which means treating others fairly and gently and being generous with what you have – is my very favorite thing! And Santa’s favorite thing, too. At the North Pole, we’re all CRAZY FOR KINDNESS!!!

So, you and I will be making together a Kindness Chain for Christmas. Each day in December, until Christmas Day, I will dash back to the North Pole while you’re sleeping to collect a Kindness Challenge from Santa. Once you’ve completed it, you will add that challenge to the ones before it so that, by Christmas, you’ll have a beautiful chain of Kindnesses you have shown others. You never have to complete a Kindness Challenge – these are all up to you. I hope you’ll have as much fun with these as I’ll have bringing them to you!

See your very first challenge attached. Good luck and may Kindness be with you!

Love,

Your New Elf

P.S. I know some Elves don’t like to be touched but I don’t mind it as long as you’re gentle. BUT, it is very important that you always put me back just where you found me. I can only fly off from certain places and will be stuck if you move me!

 

The Outlet Shops of Grand River presents Super Saturday!

Posted on by Angie

No doubt the tiny humans are putting the pressure on when it comes to their Christmas list for this year. Maybe they are leaving subtle hints like copies of the list all around the house or maybe they’re asking you every 5 seconds if you remembered to tell Santa they are in desperate need of that Remote Controlled Helicopter.. You know, because you obviously have Santa on speed dial. Regardless of their tactics, the one thing that is very clear is that Christmas morning will be here in a blink, and you’ve got some shopping to do.

Good News for you! The Outlet Shops of Grand River will be hosting Super Saturday on December 19th. Many of their stores will be participating with special deals to help ease the stress on your holiday budget.

There will be all day sales, discounts and special buys, just for you!

If it’s toys you need, Toys R Us Express is the place to be, Or check out GO! Calendars, Games and Toys for some fun ideas. Clothes, Outwear, or new boots? (For you or them..) The Outlet Shops of Grand River as plenty of options from children’s stores like Carters, OshKosh B’gosh, and Gymboree to Old Navy, Gap, Mountain High for the whole family!

Plus!

You can have photos taken with Santa and Mrs. Claus in their Sleigh from 11am – 6pm and Get festive with Face Painting from 11am – 3pm

So if you’re looking to make the most of that Holiday To-Do List, this Super Saturday Sale is for you!

Extended hours 9am – 10pm

The Outlet Shops of Grand River is located at Exit 140 along the I-20 growth corridor between Birmingham and Atlanta in historic Leeds, Alabama. The convenient location is minutes from Downtown Birmingham and Highway 280.

6200 Grand River Blvd East
Leeds, AL 35094

Enter BirminghamMommy's Bad Santa Photo Contest

Posted on by Angie

We love a good photo of babies with Santa. Now that hilarious photo of your baby on Santa’s lap (or struggling to escape his lap as fast as humanly possible) might just win you a fabulous prize!

BirminghamMommy has teamed up with local photographer, Hillary Gamble with Je Vois Photography to offer our winner a great prize!

Send us the funniest, scariest, most entertaining or downright awkward photo of your child with Santa for a chance to win a mini-session.($200 value,) includes 30 mins and your favorite 5 images on DVD with print rights. (Expires one year from issue date)

Email your pictures to angie@birminghammommy.com or message it to us through Facebook, no later than December 15th, 2015. We will narrow down to the 5 best entries, then open to reader voting.

 

HUGE thank you to our sponsor, Je Vois Photography. To see some of her amazing work, check her out on Facebook and Instagram @jevois_photography.

 

 

(Fine Print: photo submission gives BirminghamMommy.com and Je Vois Photography permission to use your photo for this contest, and for promotion of this contest on our sites, and social media outlets. We will not use photos in any other way except for this promotion.)

 

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