By Kristen Berthiaume:
Dear Parenting with a Ph.D.
I have a 10-year-old sweet daughter who has been experiencing difficulties with girls since kindergarten. We live in a neighborhood with four other girls her age and for the longest time she has been left out by the group. No one is outwardly “mean” but they don’t play with her and if they are invited over they are often “bored.” The parents are always very kind and invite my daughter to birthday parties, etc. but then when she gets there she is left out and feels they are talking about her behind her back. I have witnessed the behavior myself – not wanting to sit next to her, looking at her like she has two heads if she suggests something, always having her ideas over-ruled, etc. Initially, I tried to arrange lots of playdates but it made no difference. Then she joined a Girl Scout troop and made new friends outside of the neighborhood. Similarly, these are very sweet girls, but there are cliques within the troop. My daughter always has fun at the outings and is well-liked by half the troop. At school, however, many of these girls are already in “groups” and she feels alone and excluded. One of her closer friends is now making new friends and is less inclined to play with my daughter. She tells me at recess she asks to join games but is told they don’t need any more players so she plays alone until the boys kick her off the equipment. While she remains very positive on the outside I know this is breaking her inside. She really never talks to me but today opened up for the first time in a long time. I have contacted the school counselor but would love any advice on how I can help her to break this negative cycle and form some peer relationships she is confident with.
Thank you,
A very sad mom.
Dear Very Sad Mom,
I’m so sorry for what your daughter has been going through for, it sounds like, a very long while. I know this is hard to see and it can be pretty perplexing for parents. After all, you know your daughter is an awesome person – why can’t everybody see that? Often when we hear about kids having social problems, we assume they are being rejected or bullied. But, there are also kids who just get ignored and this seems to be happening to your daughter, at least in a couple of situations.
I think talking with the counselor was a great plan. The school may have interventions set up to help with this kind of thing; for example, some schools hold social skills or “Lunch Bunch” groups or have peer mentoring opportunities. Find out what options your school offers and, if they don’t have anything set up currently, ask how to get something started. It can also help to have teachers and administrators aware of the issue so they can pair your daughter with appropriate partners for group work and activities, and encourage her inclusion during less structured times.
It will be important to have a talk with your daughter about what friendship is and what makes a good friend. Books like A Smart Girl’s Guide to Friendship Troubles by Patti Kelley Criswell and Friends: Making Them and Keeping Them by Stacy Peterson might be good jumping off points for this discussion. In particular, focus on the reciprocal nature of friendship and help her understand that not everyone her age is going to be a good match for her. Sometimes, different personalities and interests can make for one-sided, unhealthy friendships that are unlikely to be fulfilling to her. Be sure that she doesn’t feel like it’s her fault these particular girls don’t seem interested in hanging out – just that they may not have much in common. Encourage her to focus on activities that she really enjoys and get her involved doing these things with others. Does she love to swim? Join Swim Team. Does she enjoy reading? Find her a Book Club. Although she hasn’t clicked with everyone in Girl Scouts – it sounds like she has several friends there and it helps that they have interests and activities in common. Help her to understand that it’s O.K. if some kids aren’t interested in being close and that she doesn’t have to please everyone. We all have different interests and preferences in our friendships.
You may have to assist your daughter in fostering promising friendships. Invite a girl from Scouts over for a play date so that your daughter can interact one-on-one. But, rather than just letting the girls play, stay close so you can observe the interaction and intervene with any problems. If your daughter seems at a loss for coming up with fun activities, consider having a couple of structured games or crafts handy that she can suggest to her friend. If you notice your daughter lacking in some skill – for example, asking her friend if she’d like a snack, letting her have equal turns, expressing empathy if she gets hurt – pull her aside unobtrusively and suggest the appropriate behavior. See yourself as the play date coach.
After the visit is over, talk with your daughter about what went well – be sure to give her lots of encouragement about the positive skills she exhibited and efforts she made. Also, discuss what she might want to do differently next time. Role-playing the interactions would also be helpful. How should your daughter greet her friend? How can she show her friend that she is open to suggestions for fun activities? How should she act when it’s time for her friend to leave?
If you notice that your daughter has consistent difficulties knowing the right thing to say or do in social situations or if she seems to be doing something that often annoys other kids, there may be a social skills issue that needs to be addressed. If the school doesn’t have a social skills group, you may want to seek one in the community. I’ve included a list of potential options at the end of this article. Look for a group that includes a small number of kids and that focuses on specific skills like having conversations, understanding others’ perspective, cooperating, complaining appropriately, joining activities that are on-going, and social problem-solving. Groups will often meet weekly and can last a planned number of weeks or be ongoing. If you can’t find a social skills group in your area, talk to your child’s pediatrician about a referral for a cognitive-behavioral therapist who can help your child work on social skills.
Thank you for writing and I hope that very soon your daughter finds friends who love her for exactly who she is!
Resources for Social Skills Groups in the Community: Grayson & Associates, P.C. (led by me) – 205-871-6926; Child’s Play Therapy Center 205-978-9939; Autism Asperger Syndrome Consulting Group, LLC (led by Kerry Mataya and primarily for children with Autism Spectrum Disorders) – 205-572-1143.
About this column: Send your parenting- and kid-related questions my way and I’ll tell you what I can: parentingwithaphd@gmail.com Please be aware that email is not a secure method of transmitting personal information so it’s best to keep your questions general. If your question is featured, your name and email will not be published. Submitting a question does not constitute a professional relationship in any way and this column is not meant to substitute for face-to-face therapy. If you feel you’re doing the best you can and still need help, it may be time to bring in a professional. Start by talking with your child’s pediatrician to get a referral.
Kristen Berthiaume, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist with Grayson and Associates. She obtained her doctorate in clinical psychology from the University of Kentucky. She completed a predoctoral internship in clinical psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and a post- doctoral fellowship in the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorders (ADHD) Program at Duke University Medical Center. She specializes in providing assessment and treatment of children, adolescents, and families dealing with the following issues: ADHD, learning disorders, social skill deficits, organizational problems, behavioral difficulties, anxiety, and depression. She generally focuses on behavioral and cognitive- behavioral techniques, but maintains a flexible approach to therapy. Her other day job is as mom to her six-year-old and newborn daughters and three-year-old son.
