By Kristen Berthiaume:
No, this isn’t an article on the pain and suffering caused by living in a split Auburn/Alabama household, although I’m sure there are some cases out there of HDSD (House-Divided Stress Disorder). No, you see – it’s February – the month of love. So what better time to talk about divorce? Divorce sucks. Yes, many times it’s for the best, but the process itself is not fun for anyone. Most parents going through a divorce worry a lot about how their kids will handle it. The fact is: it’s going to be tough. Really, really tough. You can’t prevent this completely, no matter what you do so just know that going in. There are ways to lessen the impact such a life-changing transition has on your kids, though. Here are some thoughts:
Wait to talk to your kids about the separation/divorce until you and your former spouse have a plan. Your kids will have questions and, although you don’t need to have all the answers, it’s helpful to offer something. Definitely don’t use the D-word in front of your children because you and your spouse had a major fight and you just think that’s where things are headed. Wait until the adults have talked things through and decided that a separation is inevitable. If at all possible, you and your spouse should talk to your kids about what’s going on together. Be prepared for a variety of responses from anger to relief to sadness to apathy. In many situations, kids will be expecting the news but other times it will come as a complete shock. Try not to take your child’s reaction personally and avoid getting defensive – at least not in front of her. Be prepared to continue this conversation at another time after your kids have had a chance to process things.
For younger kids, it can be helpful to explain divorce in the context of different kinds of love: the love parents have for their kids and the love parents have for each other. Explain that, sometimes, the love parents feel for each other changes and the parents have too much trouble getting along to live in the same house anymore. Emphasize that the love parents have for their children does NOT go away in divorce and is forever, no matter what. Repeat this over and over and over. If you’re in the unfortunate situation of having a former spouse who has essentially left the family and doesn’t show much interest in maintaining a relationship with your children, you’ll have to modify the above information a bit. Focus on how much you love the kids and how that will never change. Remind them about other adult support they have also from aunts, uncles, grandparents, teachers, etc. If they ask about the other parent’s feelings, try to give a brief answer indicating that he/she loves the kids but may not be showing it in the same ways right now. Focus more on validating your child’s feelings of being abandoned or unloved by the other parent with statements like, “I understand why you feel that way” or “I know that you really miss Dad.” Avoid detailed commentary about your ex’s behavior. Seeing your child hurting is extremely hard but it will only get worse if you give credence to the belief that the other parent doesn’t care – even if you suspect it might be true.
If you can, consider “Collaborative Practice” or “Collaborative Divorce,” which is a way to voluntarily dissolve the marriage without having to go to court. For more information on this method or to find local individuals who practice in this method, check out Collaborative Practice. To participate in this process, you would work with specially-trained financial, legal, and/or mental health professionals who help you and your former spouse work out the logistics of the divorce, including child custody arrangements, using a cooperative, lower cost method. You’ll consider questions like: Where will the kids live? Who will pay for piano lessons? How will medical decisions be made? This technique works when both parents can be in the same room without excessive anger or resorting to personal attacks. If civility has proven to be impossible in your situation, you’ll probably need to go the typical legal route.
If possible, make an agreement with your former spouse never to argue in front of the kids. Discuss – yes. Fight – no. Of course, they’ll see the occasional disagreement but keep yourselves in check. When things start to get heated, take the conversation into another room or, better yet, discontinue and pick back up when you’re calm. This goes for phone or face-to-face conversations. Make sure your kids can’t access email or texted conversations between you and your ex (although, these aren’t the best ways to have a serious discussion anyway because they make it very difficult to accurately interpret tone and meaning). Along these same lines, avoid bad-mouthing the other parent in front of your child, no matter how much of a ____________(fill in the blank with your choice descriptor) he or she might be. First of all, divorce is an adult issue and children cannot handle all the He Said, She Said adult details. Secondly, you run the risk of damaging your child’s relationship with his other parent, possibly forever. Third, some kids will see this practice for what it is: an attempt at manipulation. Consequently, your child may start to feel resentment towards you for trying to come between him and his other parent. Fourth, having access to that kind of negative information about someone your child loves can be damaging to him psychologically. Finally, bad-mouthing your former spouse increases the tension in the co-parenting relationship, which is certainly not helpful when you’re trying to work out future problems. If you need to vent, pick up the phone and call your mother/brother/friend/neighbor/therapist but don’t do it in front of your kid. He’s got enough to worry about.
Seek therapy as early as possible in the process. This is an important step even when your kids seem to be handling things well. No matter how well-adjusted your kids may be, divorce is a major life transition so it can’t hurt to have a little assistance through the process. It’s likely you would also benefit from talking with someone – even if you initiated the separation and are looking forward to being out of the marriage. You may see the therapist all together or you might opt for individual treatment, probably with different professionals. Your child’s pediatrician or your PCP will have some referrals for you – just ask. Also, many schools provide Divorce Support Groups so check with the counselor. Area churches also provide such groups, although they’re usually for adults.
Some other goals: make sure you and your kids have conversations that have nothing to do with the split. Remember that they (and you!) still have lives going on outside of the divorce. To the extent you can, try to increase the amount of quality time (key word: QUALITY, meaning no videogames or Facebook) you spend with your children. One-on-one time with each kid is preferable if you can swing it. Schedule the time on your calendar if that’s the only way to make it happen. Your child needs to know he is still a priority, no matter how crazy things are getting with the transition.
About this column: Send your parenting- and kid-related questions my way and I’ll tell you what I can: parentingwithaphd@gmail.com Please be aware that email is not a secure method of transmitting personal information so it’s best to keep your questions general. If your question is featured, your name and email will not be published. Submitting a question does not constitute a professional relationship in any way and this column is not meant to substitute for face-to-face therapy. If you feel you’re doing the best you can and still need help, it may be time to bring in a professional. Start by talking with your child’s pediatrician to get a referral.
Kristen Berthiaume, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist with Grayson and Associates (www.graysonmentalhealth.com). She obtained her doctorate in clinical psychology from the University of Kentucky. She completed a predoctoral internship in clinical psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and a post- doctoral fellowship in the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorders (ADHD) Program at Duke University Medical Center. She specializes in providing assessment and treatment of children, adolescents, and families dealing with the following issues: ADHD, learning disorders, social skill deficits, organizational problems, behavioral difficulties, anxiety, and depression. She generally focuses on behavioral and cognitive- behavioral techniques, but maintains a flexible approach to therapy. Her other day job is as mom to her six-year-old daughter and two-year-old son, and as incubator to a third kiddo.
