You’re relaxing in the gorgeous sunshine of bright, Alabama day when you wind up in the middle of a water-gun fight between two children whose parents are too busy catching up on neighborhood gossip to care. Been there? If not, you have probably been close.
It’s time to let it all out about pool etiquette – if there is such a thing. Now, we know that none of your darling children (or ours) have ever been involved in such shenanigans as what we’ll describe below, but just so we’re all on the same 
page, let’s dive in, shall we? (But first, let’s forgive that horrible pun)
1. Community pools are communal – you dig? But that means we share the pool – and that’s it. Unknown kids, please don’t grab my kids pool toys, floats or other crap I just dragged across the hot-as-hell parking lot, unless I know you or have told you it is ok. The last thing I need on my hands is my kid freaking out near a large body of water because your kid took “Mr. Flippy Frog” without him deciding to share (or me making him do so, which I will). Same goes for the cooler, if I don’t know them, I’d prefer kids keep their hands away from my juiceboxes. Have you seen my kid flip out when she’s super-tired and super-thirsty? It’s not pretty. Save me from this, I beg you.
2. Your older kid, yeah him, he doesn’t belong in the 1.5 ft deep kiddie pool. That over-sized bathtub is there so that us neurotic new parents can breathe a little easier knowing our kids won’t sink.. So really, the last thing we need is your 7-yr-old practicing his wrestling moves in a 6 ft by 6 ft confined space that also contains BABIES.
3. Le Food. Seriously, we shouldn’t have to say this, but… please don’t let your kid eat a hamburger in the pool while wading. Seriously?
4. Le Poop. For the love of Pete, please understand that a swim diaper is meant for swimming, not pooping.. It may act as a containment device, but time is limited. Once your child drops a doodie in that diaper you have mere seconds to get them up and out of the pool before you risk contamination to all of those around you! There is nothing more frustrating than schlepping 3 kids (and their gear) to the pool, getting them slathered in sunscreen and wrangled into floaties only to hear the dreaded whistle that summons everyone from the pool because of “unidentified substance” floating around. So please, please please, check those swim diapers often and help us avoid a “code brown” at the pool this summer.
5. I don’t babysit unless I birthed them, volunteered or am being paid accordingly. Don’t make me watch your kids too. Picture this: You’re in the pool with one hand on the baby float and one hand on the toddler whose floaty wings make her a candidate for the next “So You Think You Can Dance” reject. Then, two other children come over and ask you to help them swim, keep on swimming right with you and then ask you to hold their goggles while they go find their other friends and tell them about this really nice lady who is giving swim help to all the pool kids. I’m no Octopus, see these two appendages, they’re hands, and that’s all I’ve got.
