Courtesy, The Etiquette School of Birmingham
It’s that time of year again. Time for families to gather, time for turkeys to give their all for the country that almost made it their national bird, and—most importantly—time for each of us to count our blessings. Unfortunately, stress can be just as much of a part of this national holiday as overeating. For the cook, Thanksgiving dinner can be a labor of love or a major hassle, struggling with a bird too large for the oven, juggling multiple dishes that all must be piping hot and ready to eat at the same time and, without fail, the one dish that just didn’t work out.
There another set of worries for the guests. Should they offer to bring a dish and/or help out in the kitchen? What should they wear? What if they spill on the host’s clean tablecloth? What if they can’t eat what’s served?
This year, let’s count our blessings without the stress. Let’s gather around the dinner table for a feast with the reassurance that we have the etiquette know-how to handle whatever comes our way with grace.
If you’re the host:
Plan your menu early, paying attention to avoiding dishes that may cause allergic reactions in your guests. Make a shopping list that’s been checked and re-checked against your pantry supplies and when you shop, use a pen to check off each item as you put it in the cart. (If you’re preparing a dish you’ve never made before, prepare a test dish to ensure it’s as delightful as you think it will be.) Time out what needs to go in the oven when and write it down in a schedule that you follow on the big day.
Prepare what you can a day or two in advance and store safely in the refrigerator.
Set your table a day or two in advance, and then cover with a clean sheet to keep dust (and critters) off the clean dishes and cutlery.
Flower arrangements for the table should be no higher than 6” to ensure uninterrupted sight lines across the table.
If you’re the guest:
Verify the time you are to arrive and if your host needs you to bring a dish, ice or anything else. If you are asked to bring a dish, coordinate with the host/hostess what kind of dish is needed and if there are any allergies among the diners.
Ask your host how you should dress. No one wants you to be uncomfortable.
Pick up an inexpensive gift to present as a thank you for your host. Make it something that’s not labor-intensive and that won’t fit with the decorations (such as flowers). A bottle of wine brought as a gift is just that—a gift for later use by your host. It should not be expected to be served at dinner. Instead opt for something your host might enjoy later, such as a box of chocolates or another culinary treat he/she enjoys, a calendar for the upcoming year, a picture frame, a
unique kitchen gadget (if the host enjoys cooking), a decorative bottle cork, a bottle of scented hand cream, etc. Just be sure it’s inexpensive and not too personal.
Arrive ON TIME. There’s no such thing as being “fashionably late.” If you’re bringing food, be sure it is ready to serve (unless you are coming a long distance).
It’s rude to eat and run, so stay a short while before you leave.
Should you offer to help with the dishes? If it’s a large party, no. If it’s family and just you, it wouldn’t hurt. If the host tells you not to worry about it, do as he/she asks. When you do leave, be sure to thank your host for his/her hospitality.
Follow up dinner with a hand-written thank you note sent through the mail. An e-mail s not appropriate for either an invitation or a proper thank you.
Table Manners
Just in case you could use a refresher course in table manners, here are a few things to keep in mind:
Sit where your host indicates and don’t sit until the host sits. A gentleman seats the lady on his right, then the lady on his left. The lady sits when she feels the chair touch the back of her leg, and then helps scoot the chair forward. Ladies enter a chair from the right.
A napkin begins the meal. When your host picks up the napkin, follow suit and place in your lap. (No tucking under your chin or in your belt.) The napkin stays in your lap (unless you’re dabbing at the corners of your mouth with it) until you leave the table. Then it’s placed on the table to the left of your plate.
Which utensils should you use? Working your way from the outside of the place setting in. If you’re right handed, your left hand should be in your lap when not engaged with a utensil. Lefties: Just the opposite.
Pass to the right. The handle of any serving utensils on the plate should be aimed at the person receiving the pass.
Eat only when everyone has been served. Again, follow the prompt of your host.
Salt and pepper are passed together, not separately. Never season your food without first tasting it.
Meat should be cut one piece at a time. All your veggies can be cut at one time, if you like.
The correct way to eat bread: break a single, bite-sized piece of bread off a roll, butter that piece, and eat. Repeat as necessary.
Remember what Mama said – chew with your mouth closed, and, although good conversation makes for a delightful meal, don’t speak with a full mouth..
If you cannot eat something on your plate due to allergies or another problem, keep quiet about it. No one wants to hear about what eating those nut-laden green beans will do to your gastric system. If you simply don’t like carrots…or Brusselssprouts, tough. Eat at least one bite of everything that won’t kill you and then push it around your plate until the end of the meal.
If you spill, don’t make it a big issue. Your host knew the risk when he/she decided to serve cranberry sauce and red wine. That said, do your best to remove the offending item from the crisp white tablecloth and/or wipe up what you can. If it’s an overturned glass that’s flooded your neighbor’s plate, offer to do whatever is necessary to quickly deal with the spill. After the meal, discreetly offer to have the tablecloth cleaned or pay to have it cleaned or, if necessary, offer to replace the tablecloth.
If you must leave the table for any reason during the meal, say “excuse me,” and place your napkin on the table to the left of your plate or on the seat of your chair.
By the way, there’s nothing crude about polishing off every last morsel on your plate. There’s no better way to complement the chef.
If seconds are offered, feel free to take advantage. If they are not, consider stopping by Burger King on your way back home.
The meal has ended when your host places his/her napkin on the left side of his/her plate and rises. If you think you haven’t finished eating, you’re mistaken.
Kathie Martin is founder and president of The Etiquette School of Birmingham. A communications professional with more than 30 years in the corporate and non-profit world, she holds etiquette certification from the American School of Protocol. Martin provides etiquette training for children, business etiquette training for corporations and adults and speaks to college groups and community organizations on a variety of etiquette-related subjects. For more information, visit www.etiquettebham.com, e-mail her at etiquetteschool@bellsouth.net, or call 205-222-0932.
