By Kristen Berthiaume:
We parents want for our kids an educational career populated entirely by teachers who are equal parts kind and firm. And, there’s no doubt that this balance is exactly what most teachers strive to achieve. Even those who fall short of the ideal want to be there with your child every day and work to get better and better at their job every year (well, they’re not in it for the paycheck). Of course, some teachers are just burned out and that attitude comes across in class – especially if your kid happens to require extra
effort of some kind. However, teachers who don’t want to teach are the exception, not the rule. Most of the time kids dislike their teachers, or think their teachers dislike them, because the child-teacher personality match isn’t great. For example: the teacher prizes neatness and your kid is creative but kinda sloppy; the teacher prefers kids who are leaders and bursting with inquisitiveness and your child tends to keep quiet and observe; the teacher is serious, your kid is silly, etc. etc. etc. The good news is there are ways to improve on a bad child-teacher match if you can keep a positive, constructive attitude and help your kid to do the same. Here are some suggestions:
1. Relax. Remember that it’s not the end of the world if your child doesn’t get along with someone. Having a teacher she’s not crazy about won’t derail her entire educational experience and might actually be good practice for adulthood. After all, she’s sure to have a boss, co-worker, or in-law with whom she doesn’t see eye-to-eye at some point in the future. Starting now to learn that she doesn’t have to like everybody and that everybody doesn’t have to like her may save her from lifetime of being overly nice and concerned about what others think at her own expense. Not all personality mismatches need to be addressed. Consider if the issue is bad enough that it’s affecting your child’s grades or self-esteem. If not, stratagize with your kid about ways to get along better. “Oh, Ms. Smith gets upset with you when you interrupt her? How about you stop doing that, then.” Teachers like students who work hard, which is something you wanted your kid to be doing anyway. Teachers like good manners and compliments and I’m sure you’re more than happy to provide your child with a chance to practice these things at home. Make it clear to your child that there are TWO personalities at play here and that her attitude, behavior, effort, etc. may be contributing to the problem. She can’t force the teacher to like her but she can learn to adapt to the teacher’s style. Fake it until you make it, kid. If the problem goes beyond minor frustration, you’ll probably need to step in.
2. Communicate! If your child has special issues or circumstances that the teacher needs to know about like a handwriting disorder (also called “dysgraphia”) or crippling social anxiety, make sure you tell her that. Don’t assume that the teacher has been able to see your child’s records – it doesn’t always happen. Even if it did, the teacher has to keep up with a lot of information and
can’t keep track of every detail for every student. But, here’s the thing, you should probably talk with the teacher as soon as you see that there’s a problem with how your child is feeling in his classroom regardless of whether he has anything “diagnosable” or not. Communicating with the teacher will help to clear up any misunderstanding she and your kid may have had early on but will also provide you with information about how your child is behaving in the classroom. Remember that much gets lost in translation between your child’s ears and mouth so what he’s telling you about what goes on in the classroom may not be entirely accurate. Don’t rely on notes or emails for this conversation – at least not initially. Request a face-to-face conference IN ADVANCE (don’t try to “catch” the teacher before, after, or during school – this kind of issue deserves a more thoughtful approach and the teacher can’t be expected to throw something like this together on the fly). Express your concerns as calmly as possible focusing on facts
(“Ryan feels like you are angry with him”) versus accusations (“Why are you always yelling at my son?!”). Be careful not to say something that could burn a permanent bridge between your child and the teacher. Make it clear that you want to work together to come up with a solution for how your child can feel more comfortable and how the teacher can get the best behavior and academic performance from him. Gaining the teacher’s investment in solving whatever problems your child is having in class will be your best bet for a successful year.
3. Follow up. After the big sit-down, initiate regular (but not constant) communication with the teacher, via email or notes if possible. Make a plan for checking in with the teacher after a specified time period. Ask for additional conferences if the problem doesn’t get better or if new issues arise. Wait to go above the teacher’s head until you’re positive you aren’t making any progress. Better still, explain to the teacher that things don’t seem to be improving and that you’d like a combined meeting with her and the school counselor or vice principal so that a new plan can be made. If it appears that you’re going behind her back, you may make the situation even more awkward.
4. Volunteer! Being present in the classroom will not only enable you to get to know the teacher and her style better but will also show your commitment to making the year the best it can be. In addition, you may have an opportunity to observe the interaction between your child and the teacher and gain some understanding about the problems that have arisen. Also, having you in the room periodically will feel supportive to your child and may give her the confidence to approach the teacher about things that are bothering her.
5. Debrief. Check in regularly with your child about how things are going in school. If you hear something about the teacher’s behavior that upsets you, try to keep your reactions in check. Otherwise, he might decide to stop telling you things that happen for fear that you’ll get angry or yell at the teacher. Keep in mind that kids don’t always tell the whole story, sometimes purposely, sometimes not. What you’re hearing is only one side. If you feel it’s warranted, consider presenting alternative explanations for what happened that day just to get your child thinking more broadly. If he believes the teacher was upset with him for getting a bad grade, suggest other reasons the teacher might have seemed unhappy (e.g., her dog ran away, she has a headache, etc.). It’s not necessary to contact the teacher for her side to every story – save those check-ins for the bigger issues. Resist the urge to try and fix all problems – real or imagined – your child is having with the teacher. Sometimes it’s better to just be a good sounding board and let your child handle his own battles.
6. Listen. Be open to the fact that there might be something going on with your child that is interfering with her learning but that isn’t the fault of the teacher. If your kid’s teacher suggests that there are attentional or learning problems, for example, hear those concerns and try not to make excuses. Consider whether what the teacher is saying needs to be looked at further. Have your daughter’s coaches or Sunday School teachers said anything similar in the past? Have you ever suspected there might be a problem? Work with the teacher on a plan for assessing the issue and be as accepting as you can of the feedback. If some kind of intervention is needed, do your best to get on board, even though you’d rather there not be a problem.
As hard as it is to believe, there may be people out there who don’t just love your kids to bits (I KNOW, RIGHT?!) but try your best not to take it personally. Most importantly, try to help your child not take it personally. If your kid knows that you and other family members and close friends are in his corner, it won’t matter if someone else out there fails to see how amazing he is. Yes, he still has to go to school every day and, yes, he has to find some way to get along with his teacher through May. But, the situation he’s in is temporary and getting through it is great practice for the rest of his life (I mean, just in case he ever runs into another person who doesn’t like him – impossible as that is to fathom). Of course, if all else fails – there are always bribes (I’m talking the baked variety)!
