By: Kristen Berthiaume
The Bucket List: It’s Not Just for Summer Anymore!
If you’re one if those “on the ball” kinda moms, you’ve probably made a Summer Bucket List (add link to Bham Mommy article – maybe it’s from last year?) with your kids. The list is most likely bright and colorful, and posted prominently in your playroom or kitchen. Knowing some of you, it’s probably laminated. And surely you’re well on your way to completing the list before school starts back. I have a partial list saved on my phone. I think I saved it…
But, eventually, I’d like to get my act together and make the list. Why? Because there are several advantages to making (and following through – that part’s sort of key) such a list. First, if you and the kids are spending a lot of time together during the summer, the Bucket List motivates you all to do something other than watch TV in the A/C. Second, it provides you a go-to for fun projects and opportunities to get out of the house when you’re stir crazy. Third, the list gives you a chance to find out what your child hopes to get out of his summer experience and to manage any expectations that are unreasonable. (Note to my children: I don’t care how many times you suggest it, we’re not traveling to see where they “filmed” Madagascar this summer). Finally, the list provides the whole family with a chance to reflect back on the experiences, hopefully with accompanying pictures.
In thinking about the pros to creating a Summer Bucket List, it occurred to me that there are lots of other experiences with your kids that could be enhanced by the Bucket List (I know, I know – more work for you but you can always skip laminating). For example, consider your child’s birthday party. Certain people I know have gone to great lengths to plan a super fun party for their daughter only to have said daughter announce after the fact that it wasn’t fun. At all. I don’t relish the idea of handing over party planning to a six-year-old any more than you do (fairy princess/bouncy house/superhero/sleepover/gymnastics/ice cream party, anyone?) but the Bucket List could provide a quick, contained way to get your child’s feedback on how to make an experience fun for her.
Start by brainstorming all the possible elements that you or your child might want to include – write down everything, no matter how improbable. Now, narrow down the suggestions to what’s doable and affordable. Find out what’s really essential for your child to have in order for her to enjoy the event (e.g., her friend Mollie; yellow balloons; strawberry cupcakes, etc.) and what should definitely be avoided (e.g., the kid in her class who spits; too-loud music; clowns). Keep the final list short: 4-5 items, max. Post it, refer to it, and reflect back after the fact. Did you do everything you’d planned to? Did the event go as your child hoped it would? What could have made it better so you’ll know for next time?
Consider Bucket Listing for trips, play dates, Christmas break, etc. The more you practice, the quicker you’ll get at using these lists to identify important elements and manage your child’s expectations. Be sure to use this technique only as long as it helps you feel organized and reduces chaos and stress. Stop if it becomes more of a hassle.
Want to expand this idea even further? Keep a dry erase board on the car for on-the-go Mini Bucket Lists. Heading to Target (a.k.a. Meltdown Central)? Jot down your expectations for your child’s behavior like: “You’ll stay where I can see you” and “We won’t buy any toys” – and his expectations like: “We’ll play ‘I Spy’ while we walk around” and “I’ll get a pack of gum from the check-out isle.” (Of course, if he can’t get gum from the check out isle, correct that assumption and don’t write it on the list). Check in during the trip to see how well everyone’s following the list and make adjustments – to the list or to your behavior – if needed. Whether you ever actually print out that list or not – Happy Summer!
About this column: Send your parenting- and kid-related questions my way and I’ll tell you what I can: parentingwithaphd@gmail.com Please be aware that email is not a secure method of transmitting personal information so it’s best to keep your questions general. If your question is featured, your name and email will not be published. Submitting a question does not constitute a professional relationship in any way and this column is not meant to substitute for face-to-face therapy. If you feel you’re doing the best you can and still need help, it may be time to bring in a professional. Start by talking with your child’s pediatrician to get a referral.
Kristen Berthiaume, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist with Grayson and Associates. She obtained her doctorate in clinical psychology from the University of Kentucky. She completed a predoctoral internship in clinical psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and a post- doctoral fellowship in the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorders (ADHD) Program at Duke University Medical Center. She specializes in providing assessment and treatment of children, adolescents, and families dealing with the following issues: ADHD, learning disorders, social skill deficits, organizational problems, behavioral difficulties, anxiety, and depression. She generally focuses on behavioral and cognitive- behavioral techniques, but maintains a flexible approach to therapy. Her other day job is as mom to her six-year-old and newborn daughters and three-year-old son.
