Recently, I read a blog post from a mom wondering what to get her “kid who has everything” for Christmas. Note: this is not an actual problem. If your child truly has “everything,” perhaps the question you should be asking isn’t, “What else can I get him?” but, “How can I give him the gift of gratitude?” We’d all like to raise grateful children and it would be nice if they were thankful more than once a year as a turkey pre-requisite.
If your little angel sometimes acts just a teeny bit entitled or forgets to thank others every so often (or every single time), it might be time to make some changes in how the give-and-take (or take…and take…and take…) works in your house. Some ideas:
Stop hoarding toys. It’s hard to be grateful when you get everything you want. There’s no need to appreciate things that can easily be replaced if lost or broken, or when a better version comes out. We learn to appreciate things when we understand their value: be it a favor someone has done, something we see in nature, or a gift we’ve been given. If your child gets what she asks for without delay or effort on her part, items and experiences seem cheap and easy.
Appreciation can come from having to work to earn something, be it through physical labor, having to wait, or positive behavioral effort. Make a plan for when your child will receive privileges and toys, and stick to it. You can tie small rewards in with completing chores or putting forth good effort on homework and save bigger items for special occasions.
Talk about the processes of things and experiences (e.g., how they’re made, how they work, how much time they require). Enlist your child’s help in making a complicated dinner or hand-made gift so he can experience the amount of effort required.
Consider putting away some of your child’s toys for a while and rotating what’s available. She’ll be more appreciative of what she has when there is less to keep track of. Later, it will feel like they’re brand new and she’ll be thrilled to rediscover them. This is a particularly good tip for those of you with relatives who supply your kids with a steady stream of new toys.
When big events roll around, think about non-traditional gifts like savings bonds, experiences (e.g., a camping trip), or memberships for family friendly activities. Organizations like Heifer Project allow you to purchase an animal to help provide food and labor for a family in a developing country. Your child gets a special card telling him about “his” animal and how the family will benefit.
Continue to teach sharing. Sharing does not come easily, even to many adults, but this shouldn’t be a lesson we leave behind in kindergarten. Sharing with others calls our attention to how much we have for which to be grateful. Consider putting aside some of the money your child earns or is given to be shared. Discuss with him the ways he’d like to use that money to help others – be it a friend or family member or someone he’s never met. Also get your children involved in donating their time. Giving them exposure to others who have few material resources can go a long way toward helping your kids appreciate all that they have. Donate toys your child no longer plays with so they can find new life (use Toy Story 3 as an inspiration – the toys want to be played with!).
Check your own sense of gratitude. Do you thank strangers who hold the door or treat them like door stoppers? Do you mention to your spouse/partner when you appreciate something he or she did? Do you tell your kids, “Thank you!” when they cooperate? If you act entitled, so will your kids.
Say thank you. Seems like a no-brainer but it doesn’t happen nearly as much as it should. Coach your child before big events like birthday parties and holidays that he should say thank you for gifts. All gifts. Even socks. Afterward, enlist your child in age-appropriate ways when you’re writing thank you notes (you were planning to do that, right?). Younger kids can place stamps and early writers can sign their names. Older kids can manage fill-in-the-blank thank yous until they’re able to take on the whole task.
Count your blessings. You might use dinner as a time to complain about your most annoying co-worker – it’s understandable after a long day. But, do you also tell your family about who helped you today? Do you talk about how you helped others? Letting each family member tell about the best thing that happened that day not only gets everyone sharing but also increases focus on positives. This, in turn, leads to thankfulness. Prime your child to feel gratitude all day by having everyone name something he or she is grateful for over breakfast. Consider writing down what is said and keeping them in a jar so it’s obvious how much you have to be thankful for. Looking through those blessings later is a great antidote when someone is feeling down-in-the-dumps. Search for other fun, gratitude-based projects on sites like pinterest.
Research shows that grateful children are more optimistic and well-adjusted. Also, they’re more likely to be satisfied with their lives and to be generous with others. Help put your family on the path to being more grateful this Thanksgiving and look for ways to maintain gratitude throughout the year. I’d love for you to share the ways you promote thankfulness in your family below.
Oh, and THANK YOU for reading – I really appreciate it!
About this column: Send your parenting- and kid-related questions my way via email at: parentingwithaphd@gmail.com and I’ll tell you what I can: Please be aware that email is not a secure method of transmitting personal information so it’s best to keep your questions general. If your question is featured, your name and email will not be published. Submitting a question does not constitute a professional relationship in any way and this column is not meant to substitute for face-to-face therapy. If you feel you’re doing the best you can and still need help, it may be time to bring in a professional. Start by talking with your child’s pediatrician to get a referral.
Kristen S. Berthiaume, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist
Kristen Berthiaume is a clinical psychologist with Grayson and Associates.She obtained her Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Kentucky. She completed a predoctoral internship in clinical psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and a post- doctoral fellowship in the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorders (ADHD) Program at Duke University Medical Center.
She specializes in providing assessment and treatment of children, adolescents, and families dealing with the following issues:
ADHD
learning disorders
social skill deficits
organizational problems
behavioral difficulties
anxiety
depression
She generally focuses on behavioral and cognitive- behavioral techniques, but maintains a flexible approach to therapy. Her other day job is as mom to her four-year-old daughter and 20-month-old son.
