By Kristen Berthiaume:
It’s that time again – time for your FB newsfeed to be filled with daily postings of what people are thankful for! By Black Friday, you’ll probably be thankful for a return to the usual fare of crazy political rants and random YouTube videos. If public displays of gratitude aren’t your thing, you can still get into the Thanksgiving spirit. Here are some of our favorite ideas from the past few years about ways to show gratitude and to instill it in your kids. You can find the full articles with these and other ideas here and here. Enjoy!
Check your own sense of gratitude. Do you thank strangers who hold the door or treat them like door stoppers? Do you mention to your spouse/partner when you appreciate something he or she did? Do you tell your kids, “Thank you!” when they cooperate? If you act entitled, so will your kids.
Say, “Thank you.” Seems like a no-brainer but it doesn’t happen nearly as much as it should. Coach your child before big events like birthday parties and holidays that he should say thank you for gifts. All gifts. Even socks. Afterward, enlist your child in age-appropriate ways when you’re writing thank you notes (you were planning to do that, right?). Younger kids can place stamps and early writers can sign their names. Older kids can manage fill-in-the-blank thank yous until they’re able to take on the whole task.
Stop hoarding toys. It’s hard to be grateful when you get everything you want. There’s no need to appreciate things that can easily be replaced if lost or broken, or when a better version comes out. We learn to appreciate things when we understand their value: be it a favor someone has done, something we see in nature, or a gift we’ve been given. If your child gets what she asks for without delay or effort on her part, items and experiences seem cheap and easy. Appreciation can come from having to work to earn something, be it through physical labor, having to wait, or positive behavioral effort. Make a plan for when your child will receive privileges and toys, and stick to it. You can tie small rewards in with completing chores or putting forth good effort on homework and save bigger items for special occasions. Consider putting away some of your child’s toys for a while and rotating what’s available. She’ll be more appreciative of what she has when there is less to keep track of. Later, it will feel like toys are brand new and she’ll be thrilled to rediscover them. This is a particularly good tip for those of you with relatives who supply your kids with a steady stream of new toys. When big events roll around, think about non-traditional gifts like savings bonds, experiences (e.g., a camping trip), or memberships for family friendly activities. Organizations like Heifer Project allow you to purchase an animal to help provide food and labor for a family in a developing country. Your child gets a special card telling him about “his” animal and how the family will benefit.
Continue to teach sharing. Sharing does not come easily, even to many adults, but this shouldn’t be a lesson we leave behind in kindergarten. Sharing with others calls our attention to how much we have for which to be grateful. Consider putting aside some of the money your child earns or is given to be shared. Discuss with him the ways he’d like to use that money to help others – be it a friend or family member or someone he’s never met. Also, get your children involved in donating their time. Giving them exposure to others who have few material resources can go a long way toward helping your kids appreciate all that they have. Donate toys your child no longer plays with so they can find new life (use Toy Story 3 as an inspiration – the toys want to be played with!).
Count your blessings. You might use dinner as a time to complain about your most annoying co-worker – it’s understandable after a long day. But, do you also tell your family about who made you smile today? Do you talk about how you helped others? Letting each family member tell about the best thing that happened that day not only gets everyone sharing but also increases focus on positives. This, in turn, leads to thankfulness. Prime your child to feel gratitude all day by having everyone name something he or she is grateful for over breakfast. Consider writing down what is said on scraps of colorful paper and keeping them in a jar so it’s obvious how much you have to be thankful for. Looking through those blessings later is a great antidote when someone is feeling down-in-the-dumps. There are lots of other visual ways to track what you appreciate. Start a gratefulness chain. Cut strips of construction paper with each family member getting a different color. Daily, everyone writes down one thing he or she is grateful for. Staple the strips together to form rings and link each ring to the one you made the day before. Use the gratefulness chains to decorate for Thanksgiving or for a Christmas tree garland that’s much more meaningful than tinsel. Start a new chain with a new color next year around this same time. Connect the chains from year-to-year and reflect back on how the things you’re grateful for have changed over time. Search pinterest.com for other fun options and check the BirminghamMommy Pinterest page to get started.
Be grateful when you’re not. It’s easier to be grateful when everything’s going your way but there’s value in finding the proverbial “silver lining” in frustrating situations. Ask your older kids to think of a person or situation that they are definitely not grateful for and share one yourself. Maybe it’s an annoying co-worker for you or a boring piano lesson for your daughter. Then, challenge everyone to think of something about that person or situation that they are grateful for. You might be grateful that the co-worker is conscientious, even if he’s hard to interact with. Your daughter might be glad she can read music, even though the lessons seem to last forever. After you’ve practiced this skill, look for opportunities when someone is griping to encourage him or her to find a positive – be it a “life lesson” or a chance to improve. This isn’t an easy task but can improve everyone’s mood and ability to overcome obstacles. That’s definitely something to be grateful for!
About this column: Send your parenting- and kid-related questions my way and I’ll tell you what I can: parentingwithaphd@gmail.com Please be aware that email is not a secure method of transmitting personal information so it’s best to keep your questions general. If your question is featured, your name and email will not be published. Submitting a question does not constitute a professional relationship in any way and this column is not meant to substitute for face-to-face therapy. If you feel you’re doing the best you can and still need help, it may be time to bring in a professional. Start by talking with your child’s pediatrician to get a referral.
Kristen Berthiaume, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist with Grayson and Associates. She obtained her doctorate in clinical psychology from the University of Kentucky. She completed a predoctoral internship in clinical psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and a post- doctoral fellowship in the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorders (ADHD) Program at Duke University Medical Center. She specializes in providing assessment and treatment of children, adolescents, and families dealing with the following issues: ADHD, learning disorders, social skill deficits, organizational problems, behavioral difficulties, anxiety, and depression. She generally focuses on behavioral and cognitive- behavioral techniques, but maintains a flexible approach to therapy. Her other day job is as mom to her six-year-old and newborn daughters and three-year-old son.
