Parenting with a Ph.D: Parent Letter, Siblings and Special Needs

Parent Question:  Say you have a child with Autism that exhibits behaviors that are not desirable. How do you explain to a younger sibling that what big brother is doing is not what he should do. I am not just talking about the outbursts and tantrums, but he has quirks and other odd behaviors, for lack of better word, that the younger brother is simulating. 

Parenting with a PhD Response:  Great question and one that I’m sure many parents struggle with. Siblings of children with special needs comprise an oft-overlooked group because they usually don’t require as much help; however, this doesn’t mean that special attention isn’t needed. Before you can help your typical child understand why expectations for he and his brother may differ, it will be important to explain the special needs in language that is age-appropriate. Here are some ideas:

1. Read and, more importantly, discuss books together on the topic. Ask a librarian for ideas or consider the following:

• Brothers and Sisters by Laura Dwight – Told from the perspective of children whose siblings have special needs
• Don’t Call Me Special: A First Look at Disability by Pat Thomas
•  Ian’s Walk: A Story About Autism by Laurie Lears
•  Pebble Books’ “Understanding Differences” series beginning with the words: “Some Kids…”
•  The Special Needs Acceptance Book: Being a Friend to Someone with Special Needs by Ellen Sabin – Interactive workbook for older children

2. Let your child ask questions. You may not have all the answers he’s looking for but it’s o.k. to say, “I don’t know.”

3. Listen to her concerns without judgment. This can be tough. Your child might express anger at her sibling or at you. She may feel embarrassed, sad, confused, you-name-it. Again, it’s not necessary that you have a solution for how she’s feeling – only that you listen and do your best to support her.

Once you have begun the conversation about special needs, it’s time to make expectations for each child clear. Some techniques:

1 .Focus on what you expect from your typical child in various situations: for example, using words instead of screaming to tell you when she’s tired, angry, hot, hungry, etc.  Praise and reward these behaviors when you see them. Give reminders and appropriate consequences when expectations are not being met.

2. Minimize comparisons you make between your children. Your expectations for each will be different, which is hard for young children to understand. Focusing on each child as an individual will help.

3. Highlight that we all have strengths and challenges. Have your typical child tell what he does best and what is hardest for him. Segue into talking about the ways that the behavior of your child with special needs may be similar to and different from that of other children. Be careful not to suggest that the quirks are “bad,” just different.

4. Look for opportunities to coach your typical child in situations where the quirks are occurring. For example, if during a playdate he displays an unusual behavior learned from his older brother, watch for the friend’s reaction. Later, when the other child has gone home, gently point out to your child that the behavior seemed to confuse his friend. Talk about why the friend may have felt that way. Tread very lightly here so that you don’t embarrass your child or make him feel that his friend dislikes him.

5. Ensure that your typical child is receiving appropriate amounts of attention, both for what she does and for who she is. Focus on her effort toward tasks and less on the outcome. If she gets attention for appropriate behaviors, she’s less likely to resort to problematic ones. Highlight those personality characteristics you especially value and steer clear of praising the superficials (e.g., appearance) too much.

Imitation is one of the best methods we have for learning so it’s only natural that younger siblings copy even unusual behaviors displayed by their big brothers and sisters. Keep in mind: behaviors that aren’t reinforced are less likely to continue so ignoring the imitated quirks may do the trick. Also likely, your younger son’s friends will probably start to notice and comment on the unusual behaviors, which may result in peer pressure for him to stop.

If you try some of the ideas discussed here and things don’t improve, talk to your pediatrician.  A referral for a behavioral therapist may be helpful for coming up with other strategies to use.  If, in discussing the special needs your family deals with it becomes clear that your typical child is having an especially hard time coping, consider therapy to give him an objective outlet for expressing his feelings.

About this column: Send your parenting- and kid-related questions my way via email and I’ll tell you what I can: Please be aware that email is not a secure method of transmitting personal information so it’s best to keep your questions general. If your question is featured, your name and email will not be published. Submitting a question does not constitute a professional relationship in any way and this column is not meant to substitute for face-to-face therapy. If you feel  you’re doing the best you can and still need help, it may be time to bring in a professional. Start by talking with your child’s pediatrician to get a referral.

Kristen S. Berthiaume, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist

Kristen Berthiaume is a clinical psychologist with Grayson and Associates.She obtained her Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Kentucky. She completed a predoctoral internship in clinical psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and a post- doctoral fellowship in the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorders (ADHD) Program at Duke University Medical Center.

She specializes in providing assessment and treatment of children, adolescents, and families dealing with the following issues:
ADHD
learning disorders
social skill deficits
organizational problems
behavioral difficulties
anxiety
depression

She generally focuses on behavioral and cognitive- behavioral techniques, but maintains a flexible approach to therapy. Her other day job is as mom to her four-year-old daughter and 18-month-old son.