By Kristen S. Berthiaume, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist
Taking a Bite Out of Food Struggles
Another night, another plate of chicken fingers. Of course, this is the second (or third or fourth) dinner you’ve made because your kid is refusing the first one. You’re frantically trying to get something in that belly while words like “Starvation!” “Malnutrition!” and “Scurvy!” run through your mind. Relax. Take a deep breath. Close your eyes.
While your eyes are closed… Imagine for a moment what you want your kid’s relationship with food to be like in 10 years. Most likely, you’re imagining that your son makes good choices about what and how much to eat. You’re hoping that your daughter feels O.K. about the occasional indulgence. Now, come back to the present and consider how the food struggles you’re having nightly are facilitating or impeding those outcomes.
When you and your child struggle over food, the focus is on who has the strongest will. Winning the battle tonight by forcing your child to eat what’s on his plate or go hungry may mean losing in the long run. Your child isn’t learning healthy eating habits or gaining an appreciation for a variety of foods – he is only avoiding punishment. Later when he has his own money and transportation minus the constant supervision, he’s likely to assert himself by making his own food choices. Probably poor ones.
No, you’re not a short-order cook. But that doesn’t mean the “customer” (a.k.a. your kid) is always wrong. Consider these tips for decreasing food struggles in your house:
- Portion control. Little tummies are…well…littler. Adjust portions accordingly. When she says she’s full, she’s full. To be sure this isn’t a ploy to move on to snack foods…
- Beware of snacks. Don’t allow snacks for at least an hour after mealtimes so your child learns that dinner food is all he’s getting for a while. Also, avoid letting your child snack two hours before meals so he’s hungry when it’s time to eat.
- Offer one meal. If she refuses to eat what’s on her plate, offer a single, healthy alternative that isn’t terribly exciting and requires little effort on your part. Food is in the tummy: Mission accomplished. If she has to eat bananas for dinner night after night, she will eventually try something else.
- Offer new foods along with old favorites. The plate may seem less daunting with some familiar sides.
- Present new foods numerous times. It might take 15 attempts. Try different preparations. Cover it with cheese. Everything’s better with cheese. Once your child grows to like a food, you can ease off on the extra stuff.
- Dips. Kids love to dip their food. Yogurt. Ketchup. Ranch dressing. Did I mention cheese?
- Use rewards other than foods. Try stickers, toys, privileges, and fun family time as positive consequences instead of treats. Research shows that using junk food as a reward can lead children to view it as more important and desirable. (Note: If you’re in the midst of stressful potty training, ignore this and do what you gotta!)
- Connect children with food. Your child is much more likely to try a food if he feels connected with it. Go to the grocery store or farmers’ market together and encourage him to pick out something that looks interesting. Look up recipes together. Let your child help prepare the meal. If he made it himself, he’s going to at least try it.
- Be a model. The number of vegetables on a parent’s, especially mom’s, plate at the dinner table is strongly correlated with a child’s willingness to eat them.
- When all else fails, hide the veggies. I think we’ve discussed covering them with cheese. Search online for recipes and browse cookbooks like Deceptively Delicious. Look for pre-packaged meals (e.g., Kidfresh) that conceal vegetables inside of kid favorites.
Beyond picky eating. There are many kids with legitimate food aversions. Some choke on foods with certain textures or gag when they encounter particular smells. The above techniques aren’t likely to be helpful for these kids. If you’re not already working with a professional, ask your pediatrician for a referral. Occupational and behavioral therapists can help you with managing these food struggles.
About this column: Send your parenting- and kid-related questions my way via email and I’ll tell you what I can: Please be aware that email is not a secure method of transmitting personal information so it’s best to keep your questions general. If your question is featured, your name and email will not be published. Submitting a question does not constitute a professional relationship in any way and this column is not meant to substitute for face-to-face therapy. If you feel you’re doing the best you can and still need help, it may be time to bring in a professional. Start by talking with your child’s pediatrician to get a referral.
Kristen S. Berthiaume, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist
Kristen Berthiaume is a clinical psychologist with Grayson and Associates. She obtained her Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Kentucky. She completed a predoctoral internship in clinical psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and a post- doctoral fellowship in the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorders (ADHD) Program at Duke University Medical Center.
She specializes in providing assessment and treatment of children, adolescents, and families dealing with the following issues:
ADHD
learning disorders
social skill deficits
organizational problems
behavioral difficulties
anxiety
depression
She generally focuses on behavioral and cognitive- behavioral techniques, but maintains a flexible approach to therapy. Her other day job is as mom to her four-year-old daughter and 18-month-old son.
