aMOMymous: The Darkness Soothes us Both

I wake in the dark, angst ripping like a tidal wave through the void that fills a once-abundant fountain within me.

He’s crying in the night.
He’s in need.
I reach out, winded and tethered.
I lift him in my arms.

The darkness soothes us both.

Subdued, I withdraw to that fetal breath; that in and out; that ebb and flow; that fleeting force that once took over and now takes leave.  My selfish, shallow attempt to resurrect a portion of Self only bends to reason and, like an abandoned ship, I drift in stillness.

I satisfy his basic needs.
I nurture.
He grows with each passing moment and my heart swells, tides of tenderness pumping in rhythm with his own heart’s beating.

Wakefulness –  I’m wide awake, but yet I find myself bleeding numb to the tremors of this life, this presence.  I cling to a hope of finding my way back to a familiar presence, finding my way out of this abyss, finding out how and when and just how much.

Here, now.
I am here now.
I am here.

Staring deep in to the darkness, I begin to catch shimmering glimpses of an authentic joy.  He’s quietly nursing in my arms.  He’s the breath I created.  He’s my here, my now.

There is always love.
There is always hope.
Here in this darkness.
Here in this darkness.

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