aMOMymous: That's What She Said

Today we tried to have a quickie during naptime. The babe woke up just as we were gettin’ down, screaming all bloody hell, and suddenly my boob was in his mouth. And then it was time for my partner-once-lover to go back to work. And our desert grew dyer. And I couldn’t help but wonder if we (the parents) will ever find the time and energy required to reboot our sex life.

Yes, I said sex life. From what I understand, some married couples with children still have one.

Later, as I paced the baking goods aisle at the grocery store, I fantasized about what got us in this mess (I say that with great humor and respect) in the first place. We have two kids, so dare I say we found time at some point. And then I ran my buggy straight into a stranger’s buggy and I swear that particular middle-aged, ring-wearing man looked straight in to my psyche and thought to himself, “That one’s not measuring up. Thank goodness she’s not my wife.”

Here’s the pressure point: I feel so much pressure – pressure to perform, pressure to satisfy, pressure to meet every need…And here’s the kicker…my “pressure points” aren’t working! Maybe it’s the breastfeeding. Maybe it’s the sleepless nights. Maybe they fell out during labor and delivery?

I’m a closet case. My favorite shorts still don’t fit. And I suspect they never will again. I also have a substantial collection of heels, all of which stare at me in disappointment every time I open the closet and reach in for the clogs. Tucked between those cute shorts and assortment of shoes hangs the private wardrobe of a woman who once felt sexy and sophisticated in fishnets and lace… I sigh and shove my way to the back of the closet for one more loose-fitting tunic to mask the shame of a body that’s borne children and is now left wrinkled and worn.

I wish I could be happier about all I have, about the incredible body that has allowed me to carry and deliver our children. But instead I feel the sabotaged sex life is actually a gift. At least this way he won’t be disappointed in what’s left and the lack thereof.